I've said about a thousand times that I wish I had a blog when The Dormouse was born. That way I would have a record of stuff that there isn't a space for in the baby book. Then I could look back on it and compare to see what I could expect now. For example, When did The Dormouse first sleep through the night? I have no idea. I vividly remember the event itself, but time has both sped up to warp 9 and slowed to a turtle's pace since I had children that decided to stick around the place, so all perspective has gone a little wonky in my head. Was it three months? Six months? Nine? When exactly was it that the sleep deprivation got so bad I felt like bugs were crawling around under the skin on my arms? More importantly, when did that stop? I just don't remember. I do remember having to wake The Dormouse to feed her every two hours for what seemed like forever because she was not gaining weight. But now that The Caterpillar is three months old and still waking me every three hours through the night, I'd like to have an idea of when to expect that to end.

Someone should make a baby book that marks those events... the ones that matter to moms. I don't really care when The Dormouse got her first tooth, I want to remember when she stopped biting me and picking at the mole on the back of my arm while she nursed. The outfits that were given to her at the baby shower and who gave them are not nearly as important to me now as when she developed the ability to help put her arm through a sleeve as I dressed her without bending all her fingers backward. Or when she stopped kicking her legs so violently during diaper changes that I had to put every diaper on three times.

And so, for posterity (or for kicks, I'm not sure which) I thought it would be helpful to post a run down of what The Caterpillar does with her days now that she's achieved her first hundred days. Here's what you have to do to live the Life of Riley (The KoH informs me that no one knows what that phrase, Life of Riley, means, so here's a link for the younger set.) as The Caterpillar does.

6:00 am: breakfast - eat, doze, eat, doze.

7:00-7:20 am: coo, squeal, gurgle, smile and otherwise flirt with any face that comes within two feet. (This is actually my favorite time of the day - see below.)

7:20-7:30 am: kick arms and legs obsessively.

7:30: scream until someone picks you up.

7:30 am: doze in some one's arms, then once everyone is sure you're asleep and they've put you down in the bassinet, wait ten minutes until they've started some other project like making breakfast, showering, or getting dressed. Wake and shriek as if you've been abandoned. Repeat process nine times.

9:00 am: second breakfast - while nursing, kick arms and legs violently and whip head back and forth. Wonder why milk doesn't come out. Kick more to ensure everyone knows your displeasure.

9:45 am: attempt to fit entire fist in mouth. When it becomes apparent it will not go in there, try other fist.

11:00 am: finally wear self out. Fall asleep on Momma's shoulder. Dampen entire shoulder of her shirt with drool.

Noon: lunch - wake to eat after bobbing head furiously back and forth in sleep.

12:45 pm: scream to be held, however now there's a new twist -- the person holding you may not sit down.

1:30 pm: now the person holding you may now sit down and may not stop moving.

2:00 pm: stop to experience pride that you've gained such mastery over those around you. You will be a benevolent dictator - but only if they bow to your every whim!

2:05 pm: get angry for no reason, flail head around.

2:07 pm: bang head against Momma's face. Scream in righteous indignation. How dare she hurt you like that!

2:09 pm: when others stop by to see you, smile and flirt, causing them to wonder why your mother complains so much when she has such a good baby.

2:30 pm: get mad again when people leave and stop paying attention to you. When Momma tries to pick you up to comfort you, become hyper tonic, like these goats:
3:00 pm: after lunch snack - then immediately want to go to sleep for the night despite (or perhaps, because of) the fact that parents do not want you to sleep now because it means you will be up at 2:00 am.

3:45 - 6:00 pm: fight repeated attempts by adults to keep you awake. Become angry and incensed when you are not allowed to sleep but still want to smile and flirt when given eye contact. Alternate: shriek, smile, shriek, smile, shriek, smile. Earn the nickname "Labile Affect Girl."

6:00 pm: dinner - except now realize you are too worked up to eat. Repeat shriek, smile, procedure from above while nursing (no easy feat with half a bosom in your mouth). Add in arm flailing for good measure.

6:45 pm: finally allow someone to put you down to sleep. Sleep peacefully through The KingofHearts' nighttime ritual of wrestling with The Dormouse before bed then wondering why she gets up seven times after turning off the light.

11:00 pm: wake to eat elevensies by snorting and sputtering. Go from there to shrieking in under 30 seconds, be sure to never just simply cry as many other babies do... they are wussies.

11:30 pm: go back to sleep.

2:00 am: wake for midnight snack; see sputtering ritual above.

2:40 am: declare it "partytime" or at least the newborn equivalent thereof, which consists of kicking mother in the abdomen for an hour.

3:40 am: Maybe go back to sleep on momma's chest, maybe not. Rule of thumb: the sleepier mom is, the less likely this is to happen.

6:00 am: Repeat from step one. Unless, of course, the big humans in the house have gotten used to this schedule and grown to count on it. Then, of course, all bets are off.