Cherry Blossoms

Posted on 4/16/2014 11:28:00 AM In:
Speaking of cherry blossoms, believe it or not, the Tidal Basin is not the only place in D.C. where you can see them blooming. It's just the only place where a tourist can easily push you into the water while trying to take his fiftieth picture of a family member in front of the trunk of a tree.  There are other good places too... and you don't even have to bring your life jacket.




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Corinthian*

Posted on 4/15/2014 11:22:00 AM In:
It's finally spring in the nation's capitol, so we endeavored to make a day of it this weekend and spend some time outside.  It was a great idea, but The Caterpillar was in a pissy mood and whined about every little thing from the grass touching her feet to the great injustice of others around her requiring that she walk on her own power, until finally, we just decided to go home after spending only a few minutes with the National Capitol Columns (one of my favorite places in the city) and the Bonsai collection at the National Arboretum. 

I later found out that some friends were there about the same time we were and I said they'd probably seen us -- at least if they noticed a station wagon with a back seat full of whining kids.  His response was, "Do you know how many station wagons with whining kids were there on Saturday? (A fair response would be, 'Not nearly as many as there were near the tidal basin.')"

Point taken.






*That's the name of the type of column seen in these pictures and I didn't even have to look it up.  That art history class I took in college just keeps giving and giving.

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Anatomy of a Fit

Posted on 4/09/2014 06:07:00 PM
Last weekend I got The KingofHearts and I tickets to see The Manhattan Transfer, because - and I do not think I am not exaggerating here - they are the greatest singing group known to mankind.  

You may not agree, and that's fine, but that's just how seriously I take those four and their band.  

So you can see why, when we suddenly found ourselves without a babysitter, I pawned my kids off on someone prevailed upon a friend and her family to watch them so our tickets didn't have to go to waste.  I usually like to have someone watch them in our home so they can go to bed at a reasonable hour.  When they are at someone else's house, that doesn't always happen. But that wasn't an option for various reasons, so we left them at this friend's place.  And, as expected, when we got back to pick up The Shortlings and found they were both awake way too late at night, I knew there'd be a price to pay.  Sure, they looked happy enough -- The Dormouse was watching a movie and The Caterpillar was busy on a computer someone had foolishly let her use, playing the songs from Frozen on a perpetual loop, probably for the past three hours.

So, two things about The Caterpillar: 1) she does not deal well with extended periods of screen time exposure.  Neither of my kids do, as a matter of fact.  They are happy to play a computer game for two to six hours straight, but everyone will pay for it later because they become cranky, belligerent jerkoffs for the rest of the day and no one likes that. Least of all, me.  So we do our best to limit their time in front of screens, particularly computer games.  Number 2) thing about The Caterpillar: She does not handle Tired well. Oh I know no kid does, but she is particularly bad with physical symptoms like Hungry and Tired.  This is why my kids have a relatively early bedtime and we don't tend to leave them at people's house where they play fast and loose with Going to Bed at a Not-Stupid Kind of Hour.

Fast forward to the end of the evening.  We walked in, both kids were fine and happy.  We stayed to talk to some of the adults that were there and my girlfriend said, nodding at The Caterpillar, "Once, while she was back there, she just started crying for no reason.  Then she stopped and it was fine after that."

"Yeah, she's tired," I said, "She doesn't do well with Tired.  She just needs to be in bed."

"Well, she was fine after that and has been happy ever since."

"For now," I corrected, "but the time bomb is ticking on that one."

We talked for a little while longer and then got ready to go.  I told both girls to go find their shoes and we started to make our way through the house.  At this point, it's about 11:30 pm not ridiculously late, but late enough. 

As I was walking out, The Caterpillar tugged on my shirt tails and I looked down at the tears in her eyes as she suddenly started crying great dripping tears, "But I never got cake!"

I had no idea what this meant, but I wasn't about to feed her cake at 11:30 pm even if there was cake, so I just told her we'd worry about it later, but now we had to go home.

This turned into a knock down, drag out, screamfest, complete with her throwing her entire six year old body on the floor kicking, screaming and with the patented Curly Howard Floor Spin but not in a funny Yuk Yuk Yuk kind of way.

"CAAAAKE!!!! I NEVER GOT CAKE!!!!!"

The owner of the house didn't have any more cake.

"CAAAAKE!!!"

She kicked. She bawled, She screamed.

"IIIIIII WAAAAANT CAAAAKE."

Someone pointed out that she ate an entire bag of chips, three sodas, several cookies and eighy-six pieces of candy.

"BUT I DIDN'T GET CAAAAAKE!!!

Someone tried to put shoes on her feet, Cinderella-style and distract her.

"BUT CAAAAKE!"

A guest of the house offered to go home and get more cake.

"BUT I WANT CAAAAKE NOW!!!

Someone else offered at Twinkie as a substitute for cake.

That's when I was about to do the Curly Howard Floor Spin because NO I AM NOT GOING TO REWARD THIS BEHAVIOR WITH CAKE AND ALSO IT IS 11:30 AT NIGHT STOP OFFERING HER CAKE.

Finally, I picked her up, threw her over my shoulder, walked out the door and deposited her in the car.  Then I got in the car and waited for the rest of my family to figure out we'd gone, while I texted my friend in my best sarcastic texting font (we really need one of those, by the way), "So I guess that was goodbye, let me know when you want to watch her again! :)"

It was actually really uncharacteristic for The Caterpillar to lose it like that, so, while totally exasperated, we were fairly philosophical about it all and just drove home wordlessly, while she calmed down and heaved great sobs, each successively quieter. Then we dumped her in bed; she was asleep before her head hit the pillow.  It was over.

Except it wasn't.

Because the next day, we had to take The Dormouse to her Solo and Ensemble festival and while we were waiting in line, we got bored and probably a little slap happy, and The KoH and I started randomly calling out, "BUT I NEVER GOT CAAAAKE!"  And that would make the other person laugh hysterically, and embarrass The Caterpillar greatly, who would hide her face in her jacket every time we did it. Then when we finally got calmed down and serious again, someone else would moan, "CAAAAAAAKE!" and we'd all start guffawing again while The Caterpillar got really mad, which made the whole thing even funnier and I explained that if she was going to act silly she better be prepared to deal with the aftermath and YES I AM A MONSTER.

Then, still waiting, I texted my friend, "BUT I NEVER GOT CAKE!"

And she texted back, "Still?? You know, I could make a cake and bring it over..." 

To which I responded, "NO I WAS JUST KIDDING OH MY GOSH YOU SO DO NOT GET IT."

And then I told some of my friends at work and we all laughed hysterically and now someone will randomly moan while walking through the hallway, "But I didn't get caaaaake!" on the way to the bathroom.
 
And that's been going on for days.

"CAAAAKE!"

The Caterpillar eventually overcame her embarrassment by our antics... somewhat.  But then we declared that she would now, henceforward be called, not Caterpillar, but Cake and she got mad at us all over again. It was only after we and threw her a bone and gave everyone on the family nicknames as well (Junk, Buttfunk, and BoobsMcGee... I'll let you figure out which nickname belongs to whom) that she finally found the humor in it all.

It's a hard thing to be a member of this family.  I figure if these children survive it, they'll be ready for the anything the cold, cruel world has to throw at them.

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Gimme All Your Luvin

Posted on 4/06/2014 07:33:00 AM
So much going on from now until the end of school, I often forget to feed The Children, which is how we ended up in the Burger King drive-through the other night.  Both girls ordered a kids' meal, which, as we who have kids always know, is only because it comes with a toy. 

Anxious to get home and stick all the bad-tempered girls into bed, I shoved the money through the car window, grabbed the food, then sped off.  Only when we were a good two miles down the road did the girls open their bags and look inside.

Caterpillar: "OH MAAAAAN!  I got a boy toy!"

Dormouse: "I GOT A BOY TOY TOOOooooo!"

Me: "Well, nothing we can do about it now.  Plus, boy toys can be fun too."

Dormouse: "That's true.  Boy toys CAN be fun too."

Caterpillar: "Momma why are you laughing?"

In about six years, I'm gonna hate to hear either one of them say that.  But for now, I was just too tired to explain.

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This Post is Not Yet Rated

Posted on 3/29/2014 08:39:00 AM In:
I only heard the punchline to this conversation so I don't know how it started.  Suffice it to say, we probably need to not only explain to our children that there ARE words that are inappropriate for them to say and maybe go one step further and tell them WHICH words are inappropriate for them to say.

The KingofHearts: "The Dormouse is a smart ass."

Caterpillar: "Yeah, Sister is a bleep-ass."

KoH: "You bleeped the wrong word, numbskull."

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And That's Exactly What The Paragraph Said

Posted on 3/26/2014 05:48:00 PM In:
"Mom, can you read the introduction to my science project?"

"Sure." *reads entire thing aloud*

"You like it?"

"Yes."

"Is it good?" 

"It's actually really good."

"Thanks.  I'm pretty good when it comes to connecting heartfelt emotion and science."

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Snowcovered Latticework

Posted on 3/25/2014 10:34:00 AM
It's the sixth day of Spring and it's snowing. No one's very happy about it, but look how pretty:

 

Of course, the fact that school didn't manage to get closed today might have something to do with my outlook.

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Spring Snowstorm

Posted on 3/19/2014 06:27:00 PM
So how was your St. Patrick's Day? 


Because my croci (it's correct; I looked it up) have seen better days.



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A St. Patrick's Day Story

Posted on 3/17/2014 09:26:00 PM


Last year we were invited to St. Patrick's Day dinner at the house of an acquaintance at church. They promised corned beef and cabbage and even though I didn't know these people well, I agreed because they were Irish and CORNED BEEF.

I don't know if I've appropriately conveyed the concept of just how much of a hermit I am here on this blog, but I didn't really want to go because of how much of a hermit I am.  There.  The KingofHearts has tried over the years to get me to be a social kind of person and honestly, it's a lost cause.

KoH: "They invited us for dinner."

Me: "Why? We have food here."

KoH: "Because it's a social kind of thing to do and because they maybe think of us as friends or want to get to know us better and they seem like nice people so maybe we should go and make a new friend."

Me: "I don't need another friend. I have two!"

KoH: "Sorry, we're going. Did I mention they're serving corned beef?"

So The KingofHearts went to get to know our possibly-new-friends better and I went to eat corned beef.  Only when we got there, we realized we'd been duped because they'd just gone and invited everyone on the husband's I gotta visit these people list at church. So we were not possibly new friends, but rather, check their names off the list for the month acquaintances.  We walked in the door and saw about four other families there and all their screaming kids and then I spied a woman who really annoys the both of us because she's kind of dumb and thinks the world revolves around her and I looked over my shoulder at The KoH and he just gave me a wild-eyed look, to which I said back, "Uhmmm hmmmm."

So then we were stuck there but he reminded me CORNED BEEF and also I couldn't think of a good excuse to turn around and leave two minutes after walking through the door.

We sat down to dinner and Annoying Lady sat right next to me and started yammering on about one thing or another until the hosts brought out this amazing platter of corned beef and cabbage and started dishing it out and she took one bite and asked, "Where's the corn?"

We all looked around.  The host said, "Oh, didn't I bring your dish out?" assuming she was talking about the side dish we were all asked to contribute to the meal.

"No, I mean, where's the corn?"

The host didn't realize what she meant. But I did.

Host: "I don't think anyone brought any corn."

"No, in the beef."

Host:: "What?"

"Isn't this corned beef?"

Host: "Yes."

"So where's the corn?"

Host suddenly realizing what I already knew: "Ooooh.  No, there's no corn in the corned beef."

"Oh, do you not like corn?"

Host: "No, that's not what corned beef is. It doesn't have corn in it, you brine the meat."

"YOU PUT SHRIMP IN IT?!?"

And that's when I won Saint Patrick's Day because I. Did. Not. Say. Anything.

Medal please.

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Movember Comes a Bit Early

Posted on 3/16/2014 08:58:00 PM

This is how we all left the dentist's office last week. In unrelated news, people seem to be staring at me and my family a lot lately.

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Minutae - Text Message Edition

Posted on 3/14/2014 05:21:00 PM In:
A series of loving, yet helpful and communicative text messages between me and my husband. Now imagine the stuff that I didn't deem fit to republish on the Interweb.


Are you home?

Who dis?

I'll take that as a yes.



There is a chair out with trash on the side of the road on the way to the church building and I really want it.  Tell me why I shouldn't do that again?

Bedbugs, fleas, tuberculosis?

But it's cool.



They cancelled my rehearsal and now I have to have a dress rehearsal tomorrow afternoon right before the concert.  Can you take the Caterpillar to her tea party birthday party?

Ugly.*

*note: this may or may not have been in reference to the cancelling of the rehearsal and not having to go to a tea party birthday party, but I find it funny, nonetheless.


Did that lady just say postpartum depression can be cured by faith?  Good to know.

Well, that explains why I needed drugs. No faith.


How do you sneak a day honoring several slave owners into Black History month?

??

Call it Presidents' Day.

You know they also created a country....


I saved my friend almost $200 on an auto repair.  That's right. My advice is worth $200.

Summer tuition is due.  What can you say that's worth $6000?



I think that video you asked me to check has music from The Hobbit.

The hobbit sings about coming unto Christ?

The video downloaded and played fine.  All the bad children become good and they sing like angels. If you play it backward, they all become addicts and porn freaks.



Can you bring a pair of shoes to The Caterpillar before 10:30?

At school? What does she need?

Apparently, she decided to wear flip flops with socks to school on a twenty degree day when there's snow all over the ground.  Teacher called and she needs real shoes. Can we just ignore the call and pretend we don't know her?



That guy from the wood shop called while you were out.  He said you were looking for pecky Cyprus wood for your night stand.

I said knife handle, but ok.

Guess you weren't clear in your message.


Can you turn on the front spigot before you leave the house?

Outside?

Yes. I shut them off for winter but the car guy is coming and needs access to a hose.

OK. But you should probably turn it back off when you're done.  Supposed to be another polar vortex this week.

Yeah, but barely freezing sounds more like pussy vortex to me.



The alcohol you poured all over my windshield might not have melted the ice but it sure cleaned my window.



Need anything from Michaels?

Maybe, I'm parked right next to you.



Your appointment is here. 

I forgot about him.  I'm in a meeting.

He won't leave. He wants to wait for you. The Caterpillar is now making him help her with her homework.


Are you home?

Yeah.

The all-seeing eye knows.


Boys II Men will be at the Fillmore in August.

Can we get sit-down tickets?

Oh, it's all standing room - even the balcony for this one.  I think I can listen to them on my iPod for free and sit.



Window cleaners outside my office window.  Tell me why I shouldn't flash them again?

Because we want them to clean all the windows.  They'll never get done if they just hang out at yours all day.

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Huddled Together Trying to Figure Out What to Call Ourselves

Posted on 3/11/2014 12:23:00 PM
Long time no write, eh?  Chalk it up to a combination of stress, too much to do, not enough to talk about that's fit for public consumption and the voice in my head being uncharacteristically quiet lately.  I'm trying to remedy all those issues, but it's a process.

Here are a few birds that huddled together under my eaves during our most recent snowstorm.



When we moved to this neighborhood, our neighbor told us these birds were called grackles (rhymes with crackles).  Both of us Westerners were familiar with the word, if not the bird, and knew it pronounced as greckles (like freckles).  Stuff like that is inherent in our neighbor's speech and despite living in metro D.C. for more than sixty years, he still mispronounces the word Wheaton which, for you non-Washingtonians out there, is a rather large city in Maryland quite near us which figures prominently in daily traffic reports so it's not like you don't hear the correct pronunciation now and again.  He steadfastly says Whiton no matter how many times the other person in the conversation corrects him.  

"Don't you mean Wheaton?"

"Oh yeah, that's it.  So I was over in Whiton the other day..."

We assumed grackle was just another loveable quality of our friend's speech that continues to endear him to us, like how he pronounces ambulance like ambahlance with especially hard emphasis on that last a, which is doubly funny because he used to drive the ambahlance for thirty years.. 

This week I was speaking with a co-worker who referred to the grackles in her yard and I said, "You must be from D.C. too because that's exactly how my neighbor says it."  

"No," she said, "That's... how you say it."

"It's not greckle?  That's how I've always heard it."

"No, dear, it's grackle."

"Well, what's a greckle then?" 

"I don't know but it's not a bird."
 
Confused, I consulted my favorite Ornithology expert, Dr. Google, and with a quick search found out that it's I who have been pronouncing the word wrong all these years and it is, in fact, grackle.  Boy, do I feel stupid.

Except that when I did the Google search and looked at pictures of the grackles, they in no way resembled the birds our neighbor was always pointing out and calling grackles.

As I was explaining this to my co-worker, I said, "Wait, that's not the bird we've always known as a grackle, those birds have speckled wings."

"Uh, no, those birds are starlings."

"Huh, my neighbor always calls those grackles."

Which is the worst pronunciation of starling I've ever heard in my life.

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Do You Like Fish? Well, He Likes You Too...

Posted on 2/22/2014 07:00:00 AM
The Caterpillar came through the door in a tizzy yesterday.  I asked what was wrong.

"I did NOT get 100% on my test today. And it's not fair! And I was right! And My Teacher was wrong."

Oh, here it comes.

I have often dreaded the curse that was placed upon me by my own mother years ago.  "Someday I hope you have kids Just. Like. You." is what I can still hear ringing in my twelve year old ears, though I'm not certain that this is what she was referring to when she said it.  When The Dormouse was born, I figured she was the physical manifestation of that anathema, but weirdly, The Caterpillar has proved that prophecy more than The Dormouse ever did.

"Well how many questions did you get wrong?"

"One."

Mini-me.

"OK. Well, what did you get wrong?"

She indignantly threw her limbs around as she opened her backpack and whipped out a paper, then presented it to me, two inches from my nose, with no chance of my eyes focusing on any of it. When I was able to wrestle it from her determined, trembling hand, I saw this:



She was supposed to have drawn a picture of what each animal eats.  Under squirrel, she drew a nut.  Under horse, she drew hay, etc.  I don't know what that tadpole-looking thing under the snake is, but my guess it's probably a mouse or something because she didn't get that marked incorrect.

Under shark, she drew a little girl.

I stifled my laughter and said, "Well, honey, I think they just wanted you to draw what the main source of food is for each animal.  Sharks don't normally eat little girls in the wild.  It's actually pretty unusual for a shark to eat a person.  Mostly, they eat smaller fish and other animals that already live in the ocean."

"Oh. I thought that was all that sharks eat."

"Where'd you get the idea that sharks eat only people?"

"I dunno. Television?"

Perhaps my glee at the possibility of a Sharknado 2 coming out was a little too infectious.

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Fundraising

Posted on 2/21/2014 08:00:00 AM In:
Yesterday at work, we had a meeting with a bunch of people who could potentially give us a bunch of money, so I was asked to be a part of the dog and pony show and participate in a presentation to convince this bunch of people why we were not only deserving of their bunch of money but also that if the other bunches of people they were connected with wanted to give out other bunches of money, we'd be a great candidate for that too, so couldyaputinagoodwordmaybe? (Fortunately, this was not an organization dedicated to ending the use of the run-on sentence in America, or I'd have had no nickel in that dime.)

It all went fine.  I showed my video clips and presented information packets to help them make their decision. We had a lengthy discussion about why we are deserving of their bunches of money rather than someone else who would like bunches of money.  I participated in the conversation and added salient points where appropriate.  I resisted every urge I had to make any reference, verbal or otherwise, to My Ass and was successful.  I did not pick my nose, nor did I reach under my shirt to scratch my armpits at any time.  I know ya'll! It was downright impressive. There were even a few tears based my moving, eloquent and passionate pitch. One man hugged me.

When we were finished, we all stood to leave and walked them to the door in a professional, dignified manner with the kinds of craploads of poise and culture that would make even Emily Post proud. 

It was getting close to the end of my day so I had picked up my mobile phone in order to not lose track of time and miss getting home for the kids' bus. (I have not worn a watch since 1989 so my phone is my only way of marking time.)  While we were doing that stand in the doorway and say those few last things thing, I slipped my phone into the small pocket at the waist of my slacks so I could shake hands with everyone as they left with the best impression possible. 

Only what I didn't realize was that I missed the pocket and what I thought was the pocket, which is in the front, just below my waistband, ended up being just actually the waistband of my actual pants.  So instead of putting my phone into my pocket, I'd really just stuck my phone in my pants and then it slipped down through my pants and down my leg and because God hates me, everyone happened to look down right as it dropped out of my pant leg and hit the floor.

So then I did the only rational, reasonable thing I could do.  I put out my hands to my sides, palms to the ceiling, one foot out on its heel in a jazz pose and said, "Ta Da!"

And that's why I need everyone who reads this to send me $10,000.

Thankyouverymuch.

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Like a Big Pizza Pie

Posted on 2/20/2014 04:57:00 PM In:
*commotion in kitchen*

Dormouse: "STOPPPP ITTTTTT!"

*more commotion, then silence. Caterpillar walks sheepishly around the corner and heads toward another room* 

KoH: "What. Did. You. Do to your sister?"

Caterpillar: "I mooned her."

KoH: "Well, that's not.... Mom, stop laughing."

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Bookworm

Posted on 2/19/2014 04:47:00 PM
If only she would be clear about what she likes to do with her time.



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Crimes Against Nature

Posted on 2/11/2014 07:00:00 AM
Dear Teacher, 

Let me be the first to apologize for what you thought had to clarify when you read my six year old's classroom writing assignment about Valentine's Day this week.

And also to thank you for clarifying. I would have thought the same thing as you.


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Cat in the Hat

Posted on 2/10/2014 03:41:00 PM In:
This is a cat, desperately trying to pretend that The Shortlings do not exist.


He's also plotting to murder me in my sleep.

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Solutions!

Posted on 2/09/2014 01:19:00 PM
When we moved into our house mumblesomething years ago, the doorbell was broken.  We replaced it. 

Then that broke. So we got another one.

Then that stopped working. I bought a new receiver for the button.

Then the button broke.  I bought a new button.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat... in one form or another.

I'll bet I've purchased half a dozen or more new attempts at making a doorbell for the front door and not one of them worked for more than a year. 

It's taken more than a decade but I think I've finally fixed the doorbell.


Hopefully that one will last awhile.

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The Generosity, It's Astounding

Posted on 2/08/2014 07:51:00 AM In:
Last year, we sent The Shortlings to a summer day camp.  An amazing summer day camp that had horseback riding and archery and canoeing and karate and yoga and digital arts and camping and photography and amazing counselors and friendships and nature. 

Seriously, when we were still deciding whether to enroll them and went to have a tour of the camp before the school year ended, the over-excited teenage girls who were showing us around were guiding us through the woods, pointing wildly and telling us where everything was, "And there's the pond over there... and there's art... and there's archery... oh! and there's nature!"  We were out in the woods so all of it seemed like nature to us, but apparently, that one spot between the trees right there?  That's Nature.

It was a fantastic experience - so much more valuable than school in so many ways - and I just signed them up to go back again this year.  For what they get out of it, it's totally worth the cost, but, for us, it's not inexpensive either so we have to plan ahead and save up throughout the year.  Both The Shortlings have expressed their concern at one time or another that they might not be able to go back again this summer.  This week it was The Caterpillar's turn while she and The KingofHearts were in the kitchen together.  I was eavesdropping from the living room.  The Dormouse was nowhere to be found.

"Daddy? Is Summer Camp very expensive?"

"Well, it's expensive, yes, but it's worth the money so we'll figure it out.  We want you to go back as much as you want to go."

"But what if you don't have enough money?"

"You don't need to worry about that.  Momma and I will figure it out."

"OK."

*pause*

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"I can give you all my money to help pay for Summer Camp."

"Well, that's very sweet, honey, but you don't have to give us your money.  We'll work it out."

"Oh."

*pause*

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"How about if I give you all Sister's money?"

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She's Perfecting The Teenage Eye Roll

Posted on 2/07/2014 07:33:00 AM In:
The other day when The Shortlings got home from school, I told them they each were assigned... *cue brass section* ...A Chore. One had to clean up one room and one had to clean up a different room.  It didn't matter if they didn't make the mess; this room was their responsibility and they were to clean it.  And, in a great parting with tradition, I told them they had to do their Chore even before their Homework, which is sacrosanct in our house, so they knew I meant business.

This is the best attempt so far in getting them to help pick up around the house.  A) because even if it was not them that made the mess in that room, they got the experience of cleaning up after someone else for a change, so they know what it's like, B) because they were not doing it together and there was no arguing of "you pick up that," "no, that's yours," "well you left it there," "but you made me get it out," etc., etc., and, C) the Large One for once, wasn't able to just slack off and tell the Small One what to do without actually doing any of it herself, which is usually the case.

And by best attempt so far, I don't mean it was easy, or well done, or that they didn't complain about it, just that it was the best attempt so far.

At some point when they were both dawdling and FORGETTING WHAT THEY WERE DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DOING PART OF IT (I will never understand nor related to that. /sarcasm), I pointed out that if they didn't each finish with their Chore and subsequent homework then they wouldn't be able to go to a church event that evening that for some reason The Dormouse couldn't live without experiencing.

Me: "If you don't finish your Chore, you're not going to be able to go to the activity tonight."

Dormouse: "MoOoOom." (don't you love how they say the word Mom... with three syllables?) "I hate it when you call it that."

"Call what what?"

"When we have to do something, you call it a Chore. That makes it seem even harder."

"But that's what it is."

"Yeah, but it makes me sound like Cinderella when you call it a Chore and then I don't want to do it even more."

"OK..." *pause* ... "If you don't finish your Big Time, Happy Fun, River Made Of Ice Cream, Gala Task Spectacular, you're not going to be able to go to the activity tonight."

"MoOoOoOoOommmmm."

(five syllables)

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Drippy Ice

Posted on 2/05/2014 01:49:00 PM
Last night - when it was clear and dry and 40 degrees and we were expecting a storm, but not for like six hours - the county cancelled school and all evening activities.  

I want to move to Minnesota if just for the experience of freaking out about the weather and having it actually be legitimate. 

This morning, there was a thin sheet of ice all over everything and yet school started and on time.  

Personally, I'm beginning to believe they make the decision about whether to cancel school or not by through a pair of dice up against the curb.

In the meantime, it's quite lovely.



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Bewildering Conversations Overheard in the Kitchen

Posted on 1/29/2014 03:59:00 PM In:
Dormouse: "You're acting weird."

Caterpillar: "I am weird."

Dormouse: "You just said you were weird!"

Caterpillar: "There's nothing wrong with that. I was born weird."

Dormouse: "You weren't born weird. You were raised weird."

Caterpillar: "True."

Dormouse: "And there's nothing wrong with that."

Caterpillar: "True."

On the one hand, I'm glad they have such a healthy sense of individuality and self-esteem.  On the other, I kinda wish mine didn't have to suffer.

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Another Fine Fettle You've Gotten Us Into

Posted on 1/27/2014 02:32:00 PM
We decided to get a new car last week.

And by "car," I mean, something I refuse to call a sport utility vehicle because a real man knows a station wagon when he sees one

And by "we," I mean The KoH

And by "new," I mean new to us because I haven't purchased a new car since 1990 when you could actually get a new car for six grand.  

And by "decided" I mean, the old car gave up the ghost and we pretty much had to end the Game Of Chicken we've been playing with The Universe about which of our crappy cars needed to be replaced first.  My biggest fear was that we'd replace my car and then his would immediately die.  Or vice versa. 

But then we had to travel on Christmas day with short notice, which cost an arm and a leg and two more arms and seven more legs and we only have eight legs to work with unless you count the cats and I'm pretty sure a cat leg is less valuable than a human leg, so we decided not to do anything about the new car at all.  Instead we would just wait until one of them did actually die and that would force our hand... which happened about one week after we got back from our trip.

Me to universe: "Suck it Universe, we win! Or... kinda.... somewhat."
Universe to me: "Oh you think you can win in a Game Of Chicken with The Universe?  Think again."

Because about two days after the newish car was brought home, our washing machine started leaking. Which was good because it meant the water in our basement was COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!, but bad because it meant we needed a new washing machine. 

It's like a washing machine you bought for $35 at a garage sale seventeen years ago isn't built to last anymore. Geez.

And then we needed a new dryer too because the one we bought for $50 at a garage sale seventeen years ago has been making noises like a cat had gotten stuck inside it and we have just been ignoring that by closing the basement door and leaving some food on the floor underneath the dryer for months. Or years.  I forget which. So we got a new washer/dryer set... or newish, thanks to Craigslist, because, honestly.

This is all to explain why I need to call a doctor because we are HEMORRHAGING MONEY.

I have been trying to make the best of it by messing with The KoH's car when he's not looking.  

Because he got a new car and I did not.


Also, because I think it hates me.  This is what it told me the first time I drove it.


Incidentally, that package of car auto lashes came with this insert and because find it hilarious, I shall now type out the marketing blurb that is shown prominently on the cover sheet.


Etle all the "under" installed,just need to put the torn paper will be posted on its headlights on you.your headlights when he put up a scroll Etle of all the eyelashes,it is in fine fettle,inspirited,love the charm,and became a power in the road goes,there will be very high Turns head looked

 I have no response to that.

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Washington, D.C. Metro, United States
Married, 40ish mom of two (or three, or four, depending on how you keep score) who stepped through the lookinglass and now finds herself living in curiouser and curiouser lands of Marriage, Motherhood, and the Washington, D.C. Metro Area.

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