Minutiae, Vol. 16

Posted on 7/27/2013 07:11:00 AM In:
Hey, everybody, the memory on my phone is full.  You know what that means? Another issue of "stuff I found on my phone."


Every morning this summer, I've driven The Shortlings to camp across this one lane bridge.  Sometimes I have to stop for the camp counselors to cross at the crosswalk.  Sometimes I have to stop for campers.  They always cross in an orderly fashion, single file and I point out to The Shortlings how well behaved everyone is here while crossing in the crosswalk.  Man, they even have the geese well-trained at this camp.




Whose weird kid is walking around the grocery store with a box for a hat?

 
Oh right.



This is possibly the best swag I've ever seen sold at a Shakespeare performance.



I love that The KingofHearts knows me well enough to bring back awesome souvenirs from his out of town trips.  And he knows that I don't really care that they started out as trash from his brother's garage.


I went over to Monica's the other day and helped her remove her carpet, unbeknownst to everyone else in the house when they came home from their day.  The good news is what we were all hoping for came true: there were fancy hardwoods underneath that carpet. So we just put all the furniture back in place and wondered at our luck.


I'm  sure it was quite a surprise to Monica's husband, who suspected something was up when I showed at their house in the early morning before he left for work, but didn't know what it would be. I can only imagine what he felt like.  Then I came home a couple of days later to this:



Touché, Pussycat.


The most talked about thing in D.C. lately isn't sequestration or congressional gridlock, it's the Corpse Flower at the Botanical Gardens.



Sadly, it didn't smell any more by the time I got there. Too slow, chicken marengo.



My tomato garden has gone crazy this summer and I don't know quite what to do with all the yield.  We've eaten enough caprese salad of every shape and presentation to choke a horse and the tomatoes were going bad.  So finally I had to consider something with a lot of preservatives in it.

I turned this:



  Into this:


But before I put everything into jars, I needed a large bowl to mix it all in.  So I washed out the only useful container I could find of that size.



My friend's smart ass response: "Wow your cat eats a lot of salsa."


Arachnophobia, anyone?



Gee, I'm sorry your puppy was drinking from that pond contaminated with nuclear waste, lady.



I keep hearing about Justin Beiber's Girlfriend and in a department store the other day, I decided to stop for a second to find out what Justin Beiber's Girlfriend smells like.


As it turns out, she kinda smells like a mixture of teenage desperation and ass.

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This is Why I Hate When My Kids Tell Me a Joke

Posted on 7/24/2013 12:52:00 PM In:
Scenes From a Car

Caterpillar: "I learned a joke at camp, Momma, can I tell it to you?"

Me: "Shoot."

Caterpillar: "What?"

Me: "Go ahead."

Caterpillar: "OK. There's this girl.  Her name is.... wait... I forgot her name."

Dormouse: "Sandy?"

Caterpillar:"No..."

Dormouse: "Michelle?"

Caterpillar:"No..."

Dormouse: "Slippy?"

Caterpillar: "No..."

Dormouse: "Slappy?"

Caterpillar: "No..." *pouts* "I can't remember her name."

Dormouse: "Samsonite?"

Caterpillar: "No..." *long pause*  "I'm gonna just go with Belle.  OK.  There was this girl. Her name was Belle.  What did Belle do to improve her hearing?"

Dormouse: "Oh wait! I know this joke! Her name wasn't Belle. It was Melanie!"

Caterpillar: "No..."

Dormouse: "Yes. Melanie."

Caterpillar: "No! IT WASN'T MELANIE!"

Dormouse: "Yes! It was Melanie. I had the same joke on my popsicle stick too!"

Caterpillar:  *pouts now; doesn't want to tell the joke*

I try to change the subject:  "Hey see that cat crossing the street?"

Caterpillar: *pouts now, because she can't tell the joke* "I was TRYING to tell you my joke!"

Me: "But you weren't telling the joke. You were pouting."

Caterpillar: "Well now I want to tell the joke."

Me: "Alright then." *gritting teeth* "Tell. The. Joke."

Caterpillar: "There was this girl. Her name was Melanie.  What did Melanie do to improve her hearing?"

Dormouse: "Told you it was Melanie!"

Me: "MY GUESS IS IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HER NAME IS FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS JOKE; CAN YOU JUST LET HER FINISH ALREADY?!?"

Dormouse: *pouts* "Yes, it does."

*everyone ignores The Dormouse*

Caterpillar: "There was this girl. Her name was Melanie.  What did Melanie do to improve her hearing?"

Me: "I don't know.  What did Melanie do to improve her hearing?"

Caterpillar: "She ate an ear of corn."

*stunned silence*

Me: "Ha ha."

Dormouse: "See?!?! Her name was Melanie!!"

Me: "I don't think it really mattered what her name was.  Her name could just as easily have been Belle and you could have let this conversation end five minutes ago. Her name could have also been Jane and the joke would end the same.  Or Frances. Or Midge."

Caterpillar: "Or Josephine. Or Betsy."

Dormouse: "Or Poop."

Caterpillar: "Well... let's not say it was Poop."

Me: *slams car into nearest embankment and hopes for a quick death*

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Blue Jefferson

Posted on 7/21/2013 08:06:00 PM In:
Very busy week. Very few words to describe it. Here's my serenity today:



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Domed

Posted on 7/12/2013 05:30:00 PM In:
While on the Mall the other night, I stopped by on my way home to grab a couple of pictures of the Capitol.  The Capitol is one of the easiest buildings I've ever photographed.  It's well-lit, big, and seldom moves while you're using a long shutter speed, causing the photo to turn out blurry.  Reason number #31 why buildings are better than people. 

 
 
 


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Scaffolded

Posted on 7/11/2013 05:25:00 AM In:
Back in 1999, the Washington Monument needed major renovations. In order to keep the Monument as a focal point on the D.C. Mall while they were happening, architect Michael Graves surrounded the monument with a scaffolding made from 37 miles of aluminum tubing and then lit it. The scaffolding took four months to erect and became a tourist attraction all in itself. It was one of the best things about the Independence Day celebration that year. 

After the earthquake two years ago, they again closed the Monument and finally determined that damage from the quake was allowing water to enter the stonework. Without repair, the integrity of the structure could be compromised, so the scaffolding has been going back up for the last several months and was completed recently.  This Monday, they again lit it like they had back in '99.  

Both of The Shortlings are on an overnight camping trip The KingofHearts and his mini-me, The Knaveof Hearts, were off doing construction work in a friend's house last night, so I worked late and then headed to the mall to try and get a few photos that I never managed to get in 1999.  

As I walked up and tried to find a place to wait out the sunset, the wind started to blow and suddenly the heavens opened and emptied their wrath out upon me.  I managed a couple of decent pictures before I had to take refuge in the car to keep my camera dry.  Apparently, Mother Nature couldn't care less when you have a rare free night and will be happy to step on your plans whenever possible.  I managed to get a few photos later in the dark once the storm let up a bit, but it was still raining and I looked like a crazy person standing on the side of the tidal basin in the mud with a tripod.  So all in all, just a normal day.









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Love Has Its Limits

Posted on 7/07/2013 08:52:00 PM In:
Caterpillar: "Momma, what's that thing called when the water circles around and around and around and around?"

Me: "A whirlpool?"

Caterpillar: "Yes!  Daddy, I love you so much that if your glasses fell off into a whirlpool and you weren't in the whirlpool, I would jump into the water and find your glasses for you."

Me: "What about my glasses, would you jump in and get my glasses?"

Caterpillar: "Well... if you wore glasses more I would, but if you're talking about your sunglasses, then, no.  You have lots of other pairs."

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July 4th Spectacular

Posted on 7/05/2013 06:02:00 AM
We didn't do too much for the Independence Day holiday. I had an extensive talk with The Caterpillar about how it's called "the Pledge of Allegiance" and not the "Plelegiance," but I don't really think my explanation sunk in.  We were too lazy to attend any city- or state-sponsored fireworks display, instead opting for the closeup one in our front yard. Happy birthday, 'Merica!





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Hollyhock Inheritance

Posted on 7/03/2013 07:56:00 PM
Hey, remember when I went to Idaho and took a whole bunch of photos of old houses that my family used to live in? Another thing I took was seeds from the Hollyhock plants that live outside the old homestead.  TSA enjoyed very much inspecting the large ziplock bag of seeds as though I'd tried to smuggle explosives onto the plane on my trip home.  

I planted them last Spring, but they never grew big enough to produce any flowers.  Disappointing.  

So we covered them with hay for the winter and managed to keep them alive until the thaw.  Then we transplanted them in May when The KingofHearts finished building these two awesome raised flower beds in front of our house.  And hey, take a look, when plants have decent soil to grow in, they respond in a positive way. 


My great-grandmother would be so proud.

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Everyone's a Philosopher

Posted on 7/01/2013 10:30:00 AM
Apparently, now when you eat at an American cuisine casual dining restaurant chain, your bill comes with advice for how to think about life, the universe and everything.



I think someone needs to finish college already.

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Married, 40ish mom of two (or three, or four, depending on how you keep score) who stepped through the lookinglass and now finds herself living in curiouser and curiouser lands of Marriage, Motherhood, and the Washington, D.C. Metro Area.

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