Thirteen movies that I fully admit are really awful and yet, I love them with a white hot burning passion

1. Joe Versus the Volcano. I know that most people think this is one of the worst movies that ever made it to the big screen. They're probably right. I have no response to that.

"Would you like to hear one of my poems?"
"Sure."
"Long ago, the delicate tangles of his hair... covered the emptiness of my hand... Would you like to hear it again?"


2. Ishtar. I watched this my freshman year in college with my roommate and a friend and inexplicably, it was a double feature paired with The Aristocats - hooray for small college towns with quirky movie theaters. We were three young kids out on the town and pretty giddy through both films and I still remember it being the movie I've laughed out loud at the screen more than any in my life. I'm almost afraid to ever watch it again in case I were to realize, "hey that movie really sucked," like the rest of the world.

"I want to buy a blind camel."
"He says he will sell you a blind camel. He says he also knows of a camel with a crippled leg and no teeth. Would you like a dead camel?"


3. The Jerk. I recently went on a Steve Martin binge and bought a bunch of his comedy CDs from the 70s only to promptly realize: Steven Martin's stand up was not that funny in the 70s. This movie, however, is one of my all time favorites and whenever I come across it on TV, I have to watch it to the end no matter what part of the movie I come in during. (I know there's a better way to phrase that sentence so as to not alert every grammar alarm my AP English teacher in high school ever drilled into my head but she neglected to take one very important thing into account: me = lazy.) The real genius of this movie is the sheer number of quotes I've incorporated into my everyday life. So much so, that I found it really, really hard to choose just one here so I'm going to go with the more subtle:

"This music speaks to me."


4. Plan 9 from Outer Space. There might be an oscar awarded movie about Ed Wood starring everyone's favorite pirate, but the movies Ed Wood actually made, were really, REALLY awful. However, they are the only movies I know of in existence to prominently feature the theremin in the score... and that's something.

"Perhaps, on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it... for they will be from outer space."


5. Evil Dead. I'll admit, I never quite appreciated this movie until I married The KingofHearts who was a huge fan... and even then, not until I read this book by Bruce Campbell. But now, knowing something about the Behind The Scenes, I totally love it. (Shhhhh... don't tell The KoH, he'll get a big head and then use it as a reason to purchase multiple copies of all the Evil Dead movies.)

"Soon all of you will be like me... And then who will lock you up in a cellar?"


6. Soylent Green. This spot the list was actually a toss up between this movie, Planet of the Apes and The Omega Man, but I felt I couldn't put them all on the list since what is wonderful about them is the exact same thing in all three. You gotta love ANY movie with Charlton Heston-brand overacting to mock. The other two actually have a semi-decent concept behind the plot despite some ridiculous dialog - "Get your paws off me, you damn, dirty ape!" - so Soylent Green is the winner. Plus the oft repeated line from Soylent Green is mostly quoted wrong and the record needs to be set straight.

"It's people. Soylent Green is made out of people. They're making our food out of people. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for food. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them! ...You tell everybody. Listen to me, Hatcher. You've gotta tell them! Soylent Green is people! We've gotta stop them somehow!"


7. The Blob. The 1958 version is the only acceptable choice, I'll have you know. In a plot twist of sheer genius, there is that climactic moment where they lure the non-thinking entity into an ice rink and freeze it. But the best part of the movie is the random subtext where the policeman hates kids because his wife was killed by a joyriding teenager, thereby bringing an air of social commentary to create a movie that also makes you think. There's nothing quite like a horror movie with a conscience.

"Just because some kid smacks into your wife on the turnpike doesn't make it a crime to be 17 years old."


8. Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. While I love both the 1971 version, which was created simply to publicize the new line of sweets and the Johnny Depp version which actually followed the Roald Dahl book I loved as a kid much better, one of my favorite things about the 70s version is the sadistic way in which Gene Wilder played Wonka. It's simply delicious.

Violet Beauregarde: [while digging in a nostril] "Spitting's a dirty habit."
Willy Wonka: "I know a worse one."


9. Raising Arizona. This was really an awful movie overall, but I loved it because they used real places in the screenplay, many of which I'd spent quite a bit of time at in my youth. But mostly I love it because of the ridiculous overdone Southern accents (which is not typical of the area) and because of this absolutely wonderful line when Nicolas Cage opens a package of nylons in the convenience store and them uses them to conceal his face as he robs the store:

"Son, you got a panty on your head."


10. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. There are simply too many Hollywood legends in this film not to love it. It was the precursor to the Put Every Star You Can Get In It and It'll Be Sure to Make Money movies that came later in the 80s, a la Cannonball Run. Also consider that many of the scenes were ad-libbed in front of the camera and then used as the final cut.

"Hello, down there on the ground. This is us up in the air. We're in trouble!"


11. Alice in Wonderland movies. Any version, any year - I'm pretty sure I do not need to explain why. The darker and creepier, the better (and let me tell you, there are some really dark and creepy takes on Alice in Wonderland out there). I think my favorite might be the 1933 version which is truly awful, but interestingly has a very young Cary Grant as the Mock Turtle who cries constantly (I think that may be just because they made him wear a giant cow mask and no one could see his pretty face). It's hard to pick just one though, there's a 1903 version that's pretty crazy too.

"Well, I haven't had any yet, so I can't very well take more."
"Ah, you mean you can't very well take less."
"Yes. You can always take more than nothing."


12. Zero Hour! I'm willing to bet that most people have never heard of this movie before. Here's a fun bit of trivia. The writers of Airplane! took the script from Zero Hour! and used it, unaltered, as the script for Airplane! Sure they threw some added jokes in here and there, but the dialogue is basically verbatim from the 1957 movie and just played for laughs. Don't believe me? See here.

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up smoking."


13. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Oh my gosh, you simply could not make a better film than this. Why this movie didn't win an Oscar is beyond me.

"Technically sir, tomatoes are fags."
"He means fruits."



What are your favorite bad movies? C'mon, you know you have some.