There are days when I don't think I can do it anymore. Days when all I want to do is get some semblance of my former life back and make a decision without first considering how it will affect three other human beings and adjusting my desires according to how much extra work it will cause. Days when I want to get in my car and drive like I used to, not knowing where I'll end up and to have it be okay if I decided not to come back tonight or if I - gasp - wasn't home by three. No one's shoes to pick up, no one to teach a lesson to, no one to set an example for, just me and my own choices - good or bad.
Do all parents feel like this or am I just the only one supremely ill-fitted for the job I'm doing right now?
I realize these are my choices too. The choice to be in a relationship. The choice to have children. The choice to continue working so the mortgage gets paid in between jobs. I'm living with the consequences of those choices now.
It's not that I'd do anything different. It's just that some days I can't stop mourning the loss of something I don't feel I have anymore: the luxury of change.
But then I think of the little girl I never got to know. I think of this alternative - not having them - and decide that that... well... that's not an appropriate solution either.
And I find out that others feel the same way sometimes and weirdly, it makes me feel better. So I can go on.
Do all parents feel like this or am I just the only one supremely ill-fitted for the job I'm doing right now?
I realize these are my choices too. The choice to be in a relationship. The choice to have children. The choice to continue working so the mortgage gets paid in between jobs. I'm living with the consequences of those choices now.
It's not that I'd do anything different. It's just that some days I can't stop mourning the loss of something I don't feel I have anymore: the luxury of change.
But then I think of the little girl I never got to know. I think of this alternative - not having them - and decide that that... well... that's not an appropriate solution either.
And I find out that others feel the same way sometimes and weirdly, it makes me feel better. So I can go on.
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March 17, 2010 at 11:48 AM
It is SO hard some days. So many times I think I am the worst possible person to be raising children, and I wonder how others manage. I think it is good to share our downs sometimes, that we we know we're not alone.
March 17, 2010 at 12:13 PM
I feel this way sometimes, and I only have to see my step children every other weekend . . . so, you're doing better than I!
March 17, 2010 at 3:31 PM
Are you kidding? I love settling. I mean, before, I had to make all the decisions. Now, they're all made for me. I enjoy compromising on EVERY single issue and, while never getting exactly what I want, winding up with something that I'm just OK with. But the best is when I wind up with five different choices that I'm kind of fine with because while I have to give up what I really want, nobody else can.
March 17, 2010 at 5:42 PM
You're not the only one.
March 17, 2010 at 7:48 PM
Stimey is right. You're not alone. Every parent has thought those same thoughts. The urge to just get in the car and drive as far away as you can get. I've said before that it gets over so very fast. But it doesn't seem like that for you now. It seems forever. I know.
March 21, 2010 at 3:19 PM
Nope, you're not alone.