Last night after our weekend of house pain, we were sitting around after putting the girls to bed, reveling in the fact that we a) had a kitchen floor to walk on, b) had hot water and c) that hot water wasn't gushing out of the ceiling or under the floor boards. It was a bucolic, Rockwellian scene wherein I sat knitting* and he pushed his glasses to the end of his nose and held his arms at length to read the daily paper.**

The KingofHearts looked up at me and I looked at him and I said, "Does it feel cold in here to you?"


I knew there was no point in repeating the question; he can't hear and read at the same time, so I got up to check where the thermostat was set. The target temperature in the house was set to somewhere around seventy, but the actual temperature in the house?


"Well, that just seems wrong," I announced.

The KoH looked up from his comic book newspaper and said something profound, like, "Huh?"

Cut to thirty minutes later... yeah... you guessed it. The furnace is broken.

I would like to give my house back now.

By the time we even figured out there was something wrong, it was too late to bother thinking about calling the parts store, so we did what any descendant of hearty pioneer stock*** would do: we pulled out a tiny space heater, turned up the heat on the waterbed********, piled the children into our bed with us and shut the bedroom door.

And here is where I get to the real point of my post today because this is something that has confounded me since I first began to share my life with The Children:

Where is it written in the kid handbook that it is not possible to sleep PARALLEL to other humans sharing the same bed?

Because I now have footprints on my kidneys.

*Just kidding. I don't really know how to knit.

**Just kidding. He doesn't really know how to read.
***_I_ am the one who's descendant of pioneer stock; The KoH, I believe, is just a descendant of chicken stock.****
****He's probably not going to enjoy that joke.*****
*****But he'll enjoy it more than his family will.******
******Don't tell them, okay?

*******Pioneers did so have heated waterbeds; I'm surprised you didn't know that. Why do you think it took them so long to get across the plains?