One day a year or so ago when I was at IKEA (who is dead to me now, by the way) these little garden gnomes were on clearance for ninety-nine cents each. I bought six of them, brought them home and put one on each step leading up to the front door because -- NINETY-NINE CENTS, c'mon!

The KingofHearts dislikes them and refers to them as "Swedish sex toys." He has "accidentally" stepped on, knocked over or otherwise broken all but this one last little gnome. He swears it hasn't been on purpose but I think we all know the truth: He is threatened by them.