In sixteen easy steps.

Step 1.  Drive to another state. Because clearly, there are no acceptable trees in the state in which you live.  Why bother looking?

Step 2. Walk around in forest for approximately an hour, scrutinizing each and every available tree.

Step 3.  Stop in thicket to allow children to pee on the ground because after each of the nine times you asked them if they needed to go to the bathroom when you were near civilization, they said, "No."

Step 4. Walk around some more.

Step 5.  Lament the fact that the farm owners haven't tended to the Christmas tree section much this year and it is very overgrown.

Step 6. Remember that you are only paying $25 for any tree you pick and continue looking.

Step 7.  Lament the fact that you don't have cathedral ceilings in your house.

Step 8. Consider buying a tree and leaving it at a friend's house because she has space.

Step 9. Settle on a tree.  It's too big, but at least you don't need a flatbed trailer to get it home. 

Step 10. Pose in front of tree before it's been slaughtered.

Step 11. Leave the tree-cutting-down duties to husband, who really, really enjoys lying on the ground.  Watch him cut.... 

and cut... 

and curse... 

and cut.

Step 12. Lose interest in tree and instead focus on how you're gonna get this nest you found back to the birds.

Step 13. Six years later, when tree finally comes down, yell "Tiiiiiimbeeeerrrr!"  Admire stump.

Step 14. Drag tree back to cart, which you've left a half mile away.

Step 15. Bag tree for travel. Bring a friend to help.

Step 16.  Bring home and decorate.  Enjoy.