Manager:  What is your name?
Tick:  Nick.
Manger:  Mr. ...?
Tick:   Wait, no one told me we had to....uhhh...Mr.... Nick... Soap Dish. It's...uh...French.
Manager:  Really? Sounds... made up... to me.

The KingofHearts works at an undisclosed location where he does some technical, engineery-type stuff that he will be happy to bore you with should you need that information... or even if you don't. This is a story I've been dying to tell but out of respect for one of his colleagues who may have stumbled upon this blog, and who has already endured more than his share of ribbing, I've refrained until now. 

Now that that dude has quit and moved across the country, I don't feel so beholden to him anymore.

About a year or so ago they hired a new guy at The Company... let's call him Derek. Derek was a nice guy from a smaller town who didn't always catch the gotcha-kind-of-humor the other lame-stream engineers enjoyed. 

Everyone was quite kind in welcoming him to The Company, so when the subject of nicknames came up, he didn't realize that people were yanking his chain.  The way I heard it told, someone suggested that in order to work in there, he'd need a good nickname.  Like T-Bone... or Liza... you know, a name that makes people light up.

Helpful engineer #1, "What's your nickname?"

Derek questioned, "Nickname?"

"Yeah, dude.  Everyone here has a nickname," explains helpful engineer #1.

"Well, I never had a nickname before," Derek replies.

"Well, ya gotta have a nickname to work here," adds helpful engineer #2.

"We could give you one," says my helpful husband.

"Ok!" says Derek, maybe a little too excited to be given a nickname. 

Helpful engineer dude #1 brightens, "Hey!  What about D-Bags?"

"Yeah!  That's an awesome nickname," encourages engineer dude #2.

They're both being sarcastic, by the way, but this is lost on our friend Derek, who is too nice and thinks too highly of people to assume the worst from them.

My husband, always the instigator, was supportive of his colleagues, "Yeah, D-Bags is an awesome nickname.  We should totally call you that!"

Derek, being unaware of the less-than-positive connotation of the term, could think of not a single reason to object. Maybe it reminded him of Joe-Bags, I don't know.  Whatever the reason, he agreed wholeheartedly.

And so, our friend Derek became D-Bags.  For about a week, everyone at The Company called him that.  And D-Bags was just as happy as he could be about it.  Until another engineer, we'll call him Killjoy Uncle Matty, let the guilt get to him and decided it was just too cruel. 

"Guys, that's just not right.  You need to tell him," Uncle Matty said to the lame-stream engineers.

"Don't you say anything!" the others warned.

But Uncle Matty is nicer than all the others.  And so he floated the idea to D-Bags, without telling him the joke outright, that he should request another nickname.

"Dude, you should get a different nickname."

"Why?  I think it's kind of cool that the guys gave me a nickname."

"No, dude, you need to ask for a new nickname.  D-Bags is Not. A. Good. Nickname."


Now Uncle Matty may be nicer than the others, but that doesn't mean he was willing to shut it down entirely.  Perhaps he was too kind compassionate concerned about his feelings embarassed to explain it to him.  Perhaps he couldn't bear the look on D-Bags's face.  All he would say in the end is, "Just look it up, man."

And so D-Bags did look it up.  And look at the very first google hit on that termAnd that's when D-Bags realized that his new friends at The Company were all, well, D-bags.

You'd think that this would be the last time old D-Bags believed anything anyone said at The Company.  According to TheKingofHearts, he remained just as gullible throughout his entire tenure there and they dragged him down the garden path more than just a few times.

So the moral of the story is:

- and -
Before you accept a cool, new nickname, Google it.
The end.