This marriage meme has been making the rounds on Facebook and the blogoweb recently and I've seen it or versions of it about half a dozen times recently. I think that means I need to celebrate the anniversary we share this month by saying some really snarky things about my marriage... because that's how I express my love. (Which may mean I love Angelina Jolie more than my husband.)

What are your middle names?
For the purposes of this blog, I've tried very hard not to reveal any names - not because I think you, dear reader, will come to my house in the middle of the night and stab us dead or rob us blind, but rather because my family has somewhat unusual names and I want my kids to be able to get a job one day without being fettered by the Google Effect. (Oh, and by the way, the Google Effect works if you were wondering. I know because we just hired a new person at work and I'm wondering if he really wants all of us to have seen that picture of him in a superman shirt with x-ray vision beams coming from his eyes that's on his facebook page... either way, it didn't stop me from printing it out and using it against him on his birthday.) But just this once, I'll give you a little taste of real life in the Wonderland house and tell you the truth: my middle name is FancypantsJohnson and his is OvaltineJones.

How long have you been together?
We've been married twelve years (seems like twenty) and together just a bit longer than that... so... you know... FOREVER.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
The answer to that question depends on whom you ask. He seems to have known about me for some time before I knew about him. (Although, I believe that his comment about me was something to the effect of "There's just something not right with her.") Once we were both mutually agreeable that we knew each other, it was a couple of weeks.

Who asked whom out?
He asked me out. To eat pizza and go to a movie. He's extremely creative with the dating activities, you see.

How old are each of you?
I am forty-one and he is thirty-six. But given the fact that he grew up in a very small town and every musical fad, fashion trend or pop culture craze took an additional five years to reach him down there in redneckville, there's more like a ten year age difference between us.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Given that he has one brother I've never met, I'm going to go with mine. But other than that it's pretty much even money.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
I think the thing that has caused the most stress in our lives is also the thing that has brought us the closest: losing a child. That kind of thing tends to either make or break a marriage.

Did you go to the same school?
Unless you count the School of Hard Knocks, the School of Rock, the School of Fish, the School of Thought....

Are you from the same home town?
No. But it is ironic that we both moved 4000 miles away from the homes we grew up in to meet and marry a person who grew up 700 miles away from those homes.

Who is smarter?
The KingofHearts and I are a study in different learning styles. He has the ability to hear once and repeat almost anything that disturbed the cilia inside his cochlea. I, on the other hand, have something close to a photographic memory for anything I've seen. You'd think that these two abilities would make us two halves of the same whole... that with his skill and mine together, at least one of us could always find my keys. You'd be wrong.

Who is the most sensitive?
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK OF ASKING THAT QUESTION?!? HAVE YOU NO FEELINGS? Obviously, it's him.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
One of our favorite things is to go to restaurants we've never been to before. When we find one that's actually good, we dub it our New Favorite Restaurant. We have a New Favorite Restaurant about once a month.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
We've driven an awful lot of miles in the car from one road trip or another. Often we decide to go without having the slightest idea where we're headed. So we've probably logged more miles together exploring the area within a two hundred mile radius of where we live, than any one trip in a straight line.

Who has the craziest exes?
I think that I have the more varied list of unusual exes - there's the guy who only drove white BMWs, the guy who played a bass made from an orange crate on the streets of Austria, the guy who thought Prince was a gift from God for the human race. His are more of the psychopathic variety.

Who has the worst temper?
I get mad and yell. He throws things. I'm not sure either is the most adult way to deal with life's frustrations.

Who does the cooking?
Depends on who's the hungriest. I can't wait until the girls can reach the counter tops because we both can go without food a LOT longer than they can.

Who is the neat-freak?
He is fond of giving this advice to young about-to-get-hitched couples: "Just remember: It's not about the socks on the floor. It's never about the socks on the floor." And he is absolutely right. Very often, it's about the inconsiderate bastard who would rather drop his socks on the floor and leave it to the people he lives with to have to look at, step over and be embarrassed by those socks on the floor for days until they are just so sick of seeing the socks on the floor, they will pick up the socks themselves instead of him taking two seconds out of his daily existence to reach down two feet, pick up the socks and put them in the hamper. Let's just put it this way: I am much less the harpy wife when he puts away his socks.

Who is more stubborn?
This is like asking what is deeper? The Grand Canyon or THE GRAND CANYON.

Who hogs the bed?
I think this can be explained with a story. One night as I was dropping off to sleep and very comfortable on my own side of the bed with my own half of the blankets, I heard a whoosh sound and realized that he had reached over and grabbed the pillow I was lying on out from under my head so fast that my head actually hung there in the air for a few seconds like Wylie E. Coyote before thumping down on the bare mattress. BECAUSE HE DID NOT HAVE ALL THE PILLOWS.

Who wakes up earlier?
I am the early riser. Which is a shame for him because he is the one who has to be at work first.

Where was your first date?
Though this wasn't technically a date, per se, we always point to the July 4th festivities on the mall in Washington, D.C. as our first date. Just me, him, and 120,000 of our closest friends.

Who is more jealous?
I believe that, much to his consternation, my jealousy bone was donated to science years ago.

How long did it take to get serious?
How long did it take him? Or how long did it take me? Because those are two entirely different questions.

Who eats more?
Hamburgers? Him. Cheese? Me.

Who does the laundry?
Depends on who's out of underwear.

Who's better with the computer?
A former boss once explained to a colleague that the difference between a pilot and a fighter pilot was that the pilot knows how to fly the plane but the fighter pilot straps the plane to his ass and makes it do whatever he wants to do. In his simile, I was the fighter pilot. So that makes The KoH the pilot.

Who drives when you are together?
We have this unwritten rule: If we are driving in the car he drives most often, he drives. If we are driving in the car I drive most often, I drive. It works for us.

I find it fascinating to see how other people think about their marriages so feel free to copy and paste these questions for use on your own blog and leave a link in the comments for us all to be enlightened. I would also like everyone to notice how I answered all these questions about my husband without once mentioning his ex-wife.