Alice's Adventures Underground

Home Economics... and Grammar

Posted on 7/14/2009 04:00:00 PM - by NG In: Camp Sweatshop

Today's Camp Sweatshop consisted of me tricking The Dormouse into making my lunch.

Mini-pizzas from the kids cookbook The Dormouse got for Christmas.

We were out of English muffins, so potato bread made a decent alternative.

She followed the directions to the letter, except for the letter which was a typo she found in the cookbook.

Next up, I'm having her consult on the textbook I'm currently editing.

I'm contractually obligated to report that The Dormouse took this picture herself... she's very proud of it.

3 cents added |

Excuses for Not Doing Laundry

Posted on 7/14/2009 08:54:00 AM - by NG In: pets

The kittens (who went to the vet last week and are now officially on paper named Maggie [left] and Barker [right] due to the fact that these were the first two names The Caterpillar could say) are getting to be rambunctious teenagers and every so often, I wake up from a ~~good~~ passable night's sleep thinking, in my groggy state, "When did we get a herd of very tiny horses?" It takes a few minutes for me to realize that we haven't, in fact, joined an organization of genetically mutated animal lovers and instead the kittens are chasing each other from one end of the house to the other and back again.

I have never seen two more patient animals and neither of the girls has been intentionally scratched or bitten by them yet. At least a dozen times in the past week, I have come into the room to find The Caterpillar carrying one of them by its leg or head, it lying in her grasp, limply, playing possum. I generally freak out, yell at The Caterpillar to PUT THE KITTY DOWN!, which she does by unceremoniously dropping it in whatever position she happened to be holding it. Then I sit her down and scold her, telling her if she doesn't want to get bit or scratched, she'd better treat the kitties nicely... all while the kitten is snuggling back up to her, purring, and trying to climb into her lap.

They basically respond to The Dormouse's mauling and The Caterpillar's ~~hits~~ pats with an attitude that says, "Eh. All in a day." It's nice, this knowing we have patient pets the might not scratch my children's eyes out as soon as look at them, but on the other hand, The Caterpillar will now respond to the question, "What does a kitty say?" with "Meow." Which is not nearly as funny as how The Dormouse used to answer that question at the same age:

"What does a doggy say?"

"Ruff!"

"What does a cow say?"

"Moo!"

"What does a kitty say?"

"Hiiiiissssssssssssssssssss!"

0 cents added |

Don't Tase Me, Meow

Posted on 7/13/2009 02:00:00 PM - by NG In: I ♥ the Internet

I ♥ the Internet, but sometimes I'm also disturbed by the Internet.

Because, seriously, wouldn't you be?

When I first saw this touted as a real product, I thought to myself, "this has to be PhotoShopped" and low and behold, it is.

It's still disturbing, nonetheless.

5 cents added |

Summer Lovin', Had Me a Blast

Posted on 7/13/2009 11:07:00 AM - by NG In: Camp Sweatshop

Yesterday was a rare day where Daddy was actually at home for more than five minutes and we made the best of it after church by forcing him outside and away from the television shows he's missed the past two months and into our public bathing tradition. Well, he wasn't bathing publicly, I just want to make that clear. He was supervising. Just in case you were worried.

Sprinkler impersonation by The KingofHearts:

And an attempt by The Dormouse:

Slightly more successful attempt by The Caterpillar:

While they were waiting for the pool to be blown up, I let them draw on their bodies with sidewalk chalk.

The KoH tried to tell them not to do it, but I was all "What? Who cares? They're getting in the pool in two minutes anyway." Because I'm apathetic like that and that's how we roll. So he shrugged his shoulders and we Red John'ed them both.

I know, the eyes are wrong, which you'll notice if you watch The Mentalist at all, but it's hard to write on a moving toddler, y'all! This is the best serial killer impersonation I could attempt.

Bonus video of The Caterpillar trying to splash me:

I found her uncoordinated attempts at splashing me completely hilarious and encouraged her to do it for about fifteen minutes while we laughed at her. Put another dollar in the therapy fund.

Some more summer photos:

An even more coordinated Dormouse

And a very happy Caterpillar

3 cents added |

Spoiler Alert

Posted on 7/13/2009 10:48:00 AM - by NG

What I have to say about the Harper's Island finale Saturday night:

I knew it was Henry all along!

So there.

4 cents added |

The Return of Camp Sweatshop

Posted on 7/11/2009 06:33:00 AM - by NG In: Camp Sweatshop

- or -

Another stupid photo essay.

We took a break from Camp Sweatshop for the holiday weekend - and because I am way behind on a work project that has taken twice as long as it should because The KoH spends about five minutes per day in the house so there's pretty much no time during the day when the shortlings aren't screaming at me - I decided I'd better spend some time with them soon before they forgot what BOTH their parents look like. So I took a break yesterday and the triumphant return of Camp Sweatshop began by whoring out my children for free food.

I've spent some time chronicling our strange obsession with Chick-fil-A. So it should come as no surprise to you that when I asked The Dormouse what she wanted to do that morning and she thought about all the infinite possibilities she could accomplish in the world and the myriad of places we could go by virtue of living in this culture rich area, she said without hesitation, "I want to go to Chick-fil-A and dress like a cow to get free food!" And because ~~it took very little effort~~ I am so accommodating like that, I said "why not."

We printed out the Costume Kit from the Chick-fil-A website, I slapped the pieces on with some scotch tape and we headed off.

We had one very enthusiastic cow,

who walked up to the counter and told the manager, "I mooooo want mooooo free mooooo food mooooo0000000ooo!" The manager then oooo'd and ahhh'd so loud we thought she might be part cow and even though it was a costume that couldn't have been created with less effort, she said it was the sweetest thing she'd ever seen and gave me my food for free too if I promised to email her a photo. Next stop: Will Work for Food Signs on the highway.

We also had one reluctant, complaining cow who refused to keep her cow costume on for more than two seconds, requiring me to employ the quickest photography hand in the west to even document the whole affair... forget about getting a halfway decent photo. This was the best I could do.

It was way easier to get a picture of this little heifer walking away than posing for the camera.

But it still wasn't in focus.

Later, we celebrated our full stomachs (and wallets) by breaking out a bottle of shaving cream.

When I was about five, I remember coming home from the grocery store with my mother. She told us to come into the kitchen and took a bottle of shaving cream out of one of the bags. Then we all sat at the kitchen table and played with it, squishing it in our hands and making snowmen until we'd used up the entire bottle. It was a great sensory activity and one of those spontaneous parenting things that made an impression on me. In reality, it was probably winter and we all had cabin fever and my mother was just completely strapped for things to do and desperate for anything that would occupy us kids for more than five minutes. Hell, I'd let them eat shaving cream if I thought it would give me twenty minutes of respite from the whining.

Anyway on a whim, I picked up a bottle of shaving cream after our Chick-fil-A adventures and we made a complete mess of the front lawn.

Which reminded me of that Dr. Demento song:

Our baby fell out of the window,
You'd think that her head would be split.
But good luck was with us that morning,
She fell in a big pile of shhhhhhaving cream.
Be nice and clean.
Shave every day and you'll always feel keen.

And then I had THAT running through my head the rest of the day. So.... yeah... great idea.

After the Great Shaving Cream Debacle of Ot Nine, I didn't want them anywhere near the house, so we instituted a new tradition: public bathing.

We also had a little science lesson as the question is finally answered: How much will a disposable diaper actually hold or will it just keep expanding until it goes on a rampage and take over the city and then city officials have to freeze it in an ice rink to save the city?

This one split open about three seconds after taking this picture, so the answer is no, when they say twenty-two to thirty-seven pounds on the box, they do not actually hold that much.

Just in case you wanted to know.

5 cents added |

Clowning Around

Posted on 7/09/2009 12:05:00 PM - by NG

- or -

Why You Do Not Want Me To Celebrate Your Birthday

I work in a very small, close knit office where we make a big deal about everyone's birthday, anniversaries, baby showers, children's weddings, personal achievements, etc. Sounds great, right? Unless you're the person who gets into the office first most days. Because if you're that person, and I am, you get the luxury of answering the phone to hear all the many reasons why people are late, excuses for not coming in altogether, getting up ten times to answer the door when half the office has forgotten their keys, and preparing for forgotten birthdays, anniversaries, personal achievements, etc.

I would say that a good third of the time I spend when I come in early to get something done before the phones and the rest of the office starts bubbling over is spent doing some last minute thing I never expected to be a part of my job responsibilities. Never expected to be part of ANYONE'S job responsibilties for that matter. "Can you clean off table in the conference room and put the candy away? I have people coming at 9:00," or "Is there any chance you can go through the piles on my desk and find X document I forgot to bring with me and then take it downstairs to give it to me as I drive by so I don't have to stop and go inside for it," and the ever popular "I forgot it is Aging Coworker's birthday... can you put a sign on the door?"

It's that last one that happened this week and I got about ten minutes' notice before Aging Coworker was due in the office. I started off with a simple sign that said Happy Birthday and had a funny/happy clown on it. But the template I scared up to save time had spaces for three more pictures and I couldn't find another picture of a clown on my computer. So I went to my trusty Google Images for that and then... well... things got out of control as you can see for yourself.

(You're gonna have to click to embiggen this in order to read it, I'm afraid, Blogger doesn't love the big photos.)

When I was a kid I never really had a phobia about clowns, per se, (although after looking through this list, maybe I should) but I was pretty lukewarm about them in general. I didn't get the appeal. And then I read Stephen King's It when I was in high school and that was enough to put me off of them for life. A couple of years later they made a mini-series from the book and the image of Tim Curry's creepy clown has been indelibly burned into my retinae.

One time I made an off-hand comment to a friend about how I just don't get clowns and later that year he made me a birthday cake with dismembered and dying clowns all over it that said, "I hate clowns, die clown, die." I wish I had a picture of this cake today, because I would have taken it to a local baker and had him reproduce it for Aging Coworker's birthday cake (which we also do without fail on everyone's birthday). Too much?

9 cents added |

Look Ma, I Dressed Myself!

Posted on 7/09/2009 12:00:00 PM - by NG In: Camp Sweatshop

Please to ignore the fact that these are her sister's pants.

Also that she has both legs in one leg hole and immediately tried to walk, falling on her face seconds after this photo was taken.

0 cents added |

Glass Chandelier

Posted on 7/08/2009 09:00:00 AM - by NG

This brought back unfortunate memories of that chandelier death scene from Harper's Island.

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The Long Arm of the Law

Posted on 7/07/2009 11:47:00 AM - by NG In: DC

The statue The Awakening at the National Harbor. Personally, I miss it's old location at Hains Point but this is nice too.

A rare view that wasn't crawling with kids this weekend.

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You'd Swear I Lived Through the Depression

Posted on 7/07/2009 11:42:00 AM - by NG In: I ♥ the Internet

This is fascinating, but all I can think of when I watch it is all that paper wasted.

1 cents added |

As American As a Photo Essay

Posted on 7/06/2009 11:42:00 AM - by NG In: DC

The Dormouse's big goal for this holiday was to see as many fireworks as possible, so we structured the weekend accordingly. For the 3rd of July, we decided to hang out at the National Harbor, where we ate insane amounts of guacamole (even had guacamole for desert!). I'm already planning the next time we can go because that guacamole was THAT GOOD and no matter how many times I try with my own metate, I cannot seem to reproduce it when I make it at home. So I have no choice but to believe that that's not a teaspoon of salt they sprinkle over the ingredients before they mix it up at your table, but rather a teaspoon of crack.

I tried my hardest to bury the longstanding hatchet between me and Gaylord hotels but I'm sorry to say, after walking through the door and glancing at the lines for the registration desk going out the door and around the sidewalk, these folks weren't successful in making me think any more highly of the corporation and I'm just glad I didn't follow that wild hair and book a room there. It was crowded, the party was badly managed from what I could tell (totally not sour grapes because I waited too long and couldn't get tickets) and I was just happy to be able to leave. We did see some cool sand castles though:

Some people ditched us for Cookie Monster and Elmo, so we decided to get away from the crowds and watched the 3rd of July fireworks from atop a parking garage, which, if you're five, is the perfect place to hang out after an afternoon where Dad let you eat way too much junk food and red fanta. (Now I totally get why my uncle could never look at an orange soda after that unfortunate car ride with me at seven years old when I was still in my "I get car sick" days.) Because there, you have the luxury of throwing up in the bushes and not on other people's shoes. Dear parking garage attendant who had to show up to work the morning of the 4th: we apologize for your unfortunate scheduling.

We flaked out for interesting 4th of July plans and went to a local park were we experienced the most traditional of ways to celebrate.

Baseball (And yes, I know this is basketball. This is the East. People don't get together to play baseball here.):

Hot dogs (or in this case, summer sausage):

Apple pie (at least, in sauce form):

And community drum circles (I'm sure there was a Chevorlet or two around but I didn't manage to get a photo of that.):

There were glow in the dark items:

Friends from school:

And one very patient brother:

As days go, this was better than most.

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And the Rocket's Red Glare

Posted on 7/06/2009 09:49:00 AM - by NG

(As always, these look better larger. Click to embiggen.)

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You Won't Find This Version in Your History Books

Posted on 7/05/2009 07:14:00 AM - by NG In: Camp Sweatshop

We're pretty worn out from two days of fireworks, walking and general holiday activities. I have stories about throwing up red fanta on the top floor of a parking garage while watching fireworks, guacamole ice cream, and swimming in hotel pools that were no bigger than a bathtub. And I have pictures I could post (though happily, not of the red fanta incident), but I'm too tired to even go find where I stashed the camera and get them off the memory card or to sort through the memory card in my brain... which may be slightly corrupted.

But because I'm cool like dat, (and because it doesn't require my getting out of this chair), I'll share with you The Story of the 4th of July, as told to The Dormouse by Alice and The KingofHearts after a long day of picnicing and fireworks, while lying in the dark in the middle of a community park, waiting for traffic to thin out so we could go home:

"Do you know why we have fireworks and celebrate on the 4th of July?"

Dormouse: "Um... because it's Independence Day?"

"Yes, but do you know what that means?"

Dormouse: "It means you can do stuff by yourself without any help, right?"

"Kind of. But in this case, it means something a little different. A long, long time ago..."

"In a galaxy far, far away..."

"Two hundred and, what, thirty-some-odd?, years ago..."

"Thirty-three."

"We weren't our own country. Our country was owned by England."

"Yeah, but England was kind of a bully to us."

"Well, England was kind of a bully to everyone back then. They've grown up quite a bit since then. But back then, the people in America, didn't like it a whole lot. They didn't want a bully to own their country."

"And they were all, 'Hey England, stop telling us what to do,' but England didn't really care what we said."

"And the people here - that's us - didn't like it, so we decided to be their own country. So we found a bald eagle and plucked out one of his feathers....

"and dipped it in ink..."

"and we used it to write England a letter. And this letter said, 'Hey England, dude. We're gonna be our own country now.'"

"And England was all, 'No way, José.'"

"England was really stubborn about this. They didn't like it when anyone stood up to them."

"Yep, and they said we couldn't be our own country. So we told England, 'Hey! You're not the boss of me!'"

"And England said, 'Oh yeah? Yes, we are. Maybe you'd like five in the eye?'"

"And we said, 'Oh yeah? We'll here's five in YOUR eye... and just for good measure, here's five in your OTHER eye.'"

"And that turned into a big war."

Dormouse: "Who fought in the war?"

"Well, everyone who lived in America. And England sent some armies over on boats."

"But the people here were too smart for them."

"And who do you think won the war?"

Dormouse: "We did?"

"Yep. So every 4th of July, we celebrate the day we told England to suck it, that day back in 1776, by having big celebrations and setting off fireworks."

Dormouse: "Wow."

I find it both fascinating and a sad commentary on our schools, that my sixteen year old stepson learned as much from this discussion as The Dormouse did.

2 cents added |

Sweets for the Sweet

Posted on 7/04/2009 11:42:00 AM - by NG

Happy Independence Day, everyone!

2 cents added |

The Best Show You're Not Watching

Posted on 7/03/2009 08:48:00 AM - by NG

Are you watching Leverage? Because if you aren't, I may have to seriously reconsider our friendship. The KingofHearts and I happened upon the pilot of this show when it came on and it took us only about five minutes to be hooked.

When I was younger, I used to watch reruns of Mission: Impossible (the good one; not the movie version with creepy Tom Cruise) and not only did I have an eight-year-old's crush on Martin Landau, but I was fascinated by the intrigue and how the story was always just one step ahead of the audience. I'm one of those who always sees the next plot complication coming (and therefore ruins a lot of movies for my husband) so I always love it when something can surprise me.

I loved the movie The Italian Job, for the same reasons (the intrigue, I mean - Martin Landau was not in The Italian Job, but I remain convinced he could only have improved it). Leverage manages to keep that heist movie spirit, while drawing some pretty fun characters that The KoH and I love, laugh at and root for more and more with each episode. It's my new favorite show and it currently occupies the top of the preferred order list in my DVR scheduler. I don't normally take up space on the web talking about television shows (which is actually in inverse proportion to the amount of time they occupy in my life) but I lost out with Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and I have a vested interest in helping to ensure this one does continue. So if you're not watching, start immediately. Because season two returns July 15th and I cannot wait.

Here's a season one recap:

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Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye

Posted on 7/02/2009 08:08:00 AM - by NG

Why does this photo remind me of an 80s video?

"Momma, why do you keep calling The Caterpillar, 'Eileen'?"

Oh, right:

Come On Eileen @ Yahoo! Video

3 cents added |

Olio

Posted on 7/01/2009 06:48:00 AM - by NG In: Camp Sweatshop

Day five of Camp Sweatshop covered a variety of topics.

History:
We discussed the Fourth of July, then made these cool decorations for the upcoming holiday.

Physics:
We talked about how fireworks work and made some fireworks of our very own.

Biology:
We explored pollen and how bees help to make the flowers grow, then found all the pollen in flowers, making sure of course to get ample amounts of it on our clothing.

Chemistry:
We learned about polymers, courtesy of this stuff I found on the Intertubes. You have totally got to get yourself some of this stuff because the whole family had great fun with it. For The Caterpillar, it was a terrific sensory activity, The KnaveofHearts and I had a lot of fun learning about how this particular polymer unfolds when combined with water, making it fluffy (as opposed to the stuff that you find in disposable diapers)...

and The Dormouse got a lot of exercise trying to make a snowball and throw it.

Which, by the way, was largely unsuccessful.

We also added salt to the bowl and watched as the polymer broke down and the water separated out.

Next up: slugs.

Both girls spent about an hour putting the stuff in their hair and then we had baths, which by this time were absolutely necessary.

Hey! I hardly got any chores done for me today. Maybe next time we will discuss how soap works and study the inner workings of my washing machine, then they can wash my clothes for me.

2 cents added |

Alice's Adventures Underground

Home Economics... and Grammar

Excuses for Not Doing Laundry

Don't Tase Me, Meow

Summer Lovin', Had Me a Blast

Spoiler Alert

The Return of Camp Sweatshop

Clowning Around

Look Ma, I Dressed Myself!

Glass Chandelier

The Long Arm of the Law

You'd Swear I Lived Through the Depression

As American As a Photo Essay

And the Rocket's Red Glare

You Won't Find This Version in Your History Books

Sweets for the Sweet

The Best Show You're Not Watching

Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye

Olio

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