The KingofHearts took off for a retreat of sorts a little while ago.  His thought was he'd spend the entire weekend alone, without distractions, and he could write and work on his novel.  (That's not nearly as douche-y as it sounds, but he's gonna have to be the one to prove that to you.)  It was something he's wanted to do for awhile and with the help of Monica, who hooked him up with some hotel points, he drove about an hour out of town to make that dream a reality.  

I'm gonna spare you all the names I made up for his weekend away while he was gone because most of them aren't appropriate for mixed company. (Hint: what rhymes with vacation?)  However, Monica and I also spent the entire weekend thinking up hilarious things we could do to him before he got there or that we could do if we waited around for when he happened to leave the room.  Among those things were:
  1. Fill entire room with crumbled up newspaper
  2. Short sheet bed
  3. Make call to room service for ten gallons of ice cream to be delivered at three am
  4. Anonymous call to maintenance to fix broken toilet at three am
  5. Hire prostitute to be naked in his bed when he got back from lunch
  6. Have Monica be naked in his bed when he got back from lunch, claiming she thought all that can you help me get a hotel so I can spend a weekend by myself alone talk was just code in case his wife happened to read his email
  7. Fill entire room with balloons... filled with shaving cream
  8. Fill his car with Styrofoam packing peanuts (you may laugh, but I have actually done this to people in the past)
  9. Take all his clothes out of suitcase, fill clothes with packing peanuts and stage several KoH effigies to be sitting around desk drinking tea when he got back
  10. Open room while he was out for lunch, turn on television to cartoon channel, leave all three kids in room and tell them to wait there until Daddy got back, then close door and be unavailable by phone
  11. Purchase one of those blow up sex dolls and hang it, dangling in front of door, so when he opened door, it would be staring at him
  12. Purchase several dozen blow up sex dolls and fill room with them when he went out to lunch
  13. Wait until he leaves room, stage fake crime scene, complete with broken lamps and blood spatter on ceiling - perhaps follow with anonymous call to police

Looking at this list, the thing I think is probably most obvious is that you really should stay on my good side.  The list of things I fantasized about doing to the hit and run driver who did $3000 worth of damage to my car and, as it turns out, lives two blocks down the street from me*, is not nearly so kind and borders on the level of PsyOps.**

While The KoH was gone, I made the Shortlings omelets for breakfast one day. The level of surprise that I could make something that actually tasted good was probably a bit overdone.  The Caterpillar would like you to know that momma "makes the best omelets in the world... better than China's... or everybody."
I'd say that that was because I harvested fresh herbs for the omelets from my new herb garden, but I'm guessing that's more because China's omelets probably don't have cheese in them.

And during the Great Omelet Meal of 2012, this bewildering conversation was heard in the kitchen: 
"These omelets are great, aren't they?"
 "Yes.  They are great.  Daddy never used to make us omelets when he used to live here."

If we ever do get divorced, I'm guessing the adjustment won't be that difficult for them.
*Yes, I'm sure. CSI: Wonderland
**Disclaimer: I have not done, nor do I plan to do any of these things.
Do not send law enforcement to my house.***
***Or if you must, send law enforcement from my county because, much like my hit and run driver, I'm pretty sure they won't do anything about it, but they will yell at you for being a victim all wrong.