NG says:

Moan says:
why are you outside? you freak!

Good question. I am sitting outside in the 2 square foot corner of the deck that has shade on it after half our cherry tree broke off and came down a few weeks ago. Why? Because of global warming.

My mother called the other day on a tirade. The Line to Remember from this phone call (there's always at least one) was this: "I'm 15 years bitchier than I was 15 years ago and it's all because of global warming."

Allow me to attempt to explain my mother's logic as this actually does make sense to her. First thing you have to know: she hates hot weather. She's recently moved from Phoenix to Huntington Beach and due to the heat wave that's also affecting um... Minnesota, among other places, it's been 105 degrees in California too. But according to my mother, the heat is following her. "I swear if I moved to Alaska in December, it would be 105 degrees there too." This was then followed by the observation that this is all the current administration's fault for not doing anything about the global warming problem and how could the Bush not understand that she'd be a whole lot less cranky if it were cooler. So in conclusion, Mother is bitchy because she's hot, it's hot because of global warming, politicians are responsible for global warming, ergo, President Bush is responsible for her bad mood.

My daughter has been particularly bratty as of late, mostly because she won't take a nap. It's too hot. Like 105 heat index hot. Ordinarily, my Raised in Arizona Snobbishness would be mocking people out here on the East Coast who can't handle the heat. 105 heat index?!? Try 110, 115, 120 DEGREES... on a regular basis. That's already hotter than your piddly 97-degrees-jacked-up-to-seem-hotter-than-it-actually-is. I won't even mention that summer when it got to be 124. Planes were grounded because it was TOO HOT TO FLY. We had about a dozen relatives visiting from Idaho and wouldn't you know, that was the weekend the air conditioner decided to break down.

"Yes, but it's a dry heat, isn't it?"

"You betcha... sticking your head in an oven is a dry heat too, but I don't see too many of you Marylanders moving your sofa into the kitchen to be closer to it."

But I digress. Dormouse. Brat. Yes... Normally, she is a great kid. But lately here's how our conversations go:
Me: What do you want to drink, milk or orange juice?

Her: Milk
Me: OK, here's your milk.
Her: I want orange juice! WAAAAH!

You see what I'm up against. Last night we had a 2 hour tantrum when I tried to explain exactly why Daddy's clothes did not belong in the wading pool. So anyway, I am outside this morning watching her in the wading pool and hoping she'll wear her out so she will take a nap and therefore not be so cranky by 6:00 when the Bewitching Hour of Tantrums begins. Maybe it's the non-stop arguing and time-outs of the past 3 days speaking, but frankly, I'm inclined to agree with my mother for once. My daughter is bratty and it's all the fault of President Bush.

But this all started me thinking: what else could I blame on the current administration? It seems unfair that only my mother and daughter get in on this Great Justification.

I was rude to the grocery store clerk this morning: well could you blame me? Global warming!
My yard is unkempt and the grass is too tall: Don't complain to me, talk to President Bush!
PMS: I always thought Dick Cheney had shifty eyes.

It occurred to me while sitting in my tiny spot of shade and wiping sweat from between my thighs and the bottom of my laptop that I've been really missing out by taking responsibility for my own actions and mood. From now on I plan to shift blame to the least likely object/person I can find and let everyone else sort it out.

I think I'm onto something here. You'd better stand on the other side of the KingofHearts.