The KingofHearts: "The Dormouse is a smart ass."
Caterpillar: "Yeah, Sister is a bleep-ass."
KoH: "You bleeped the wrong word, numbskull."
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The KingofHearts: "The Dormouse is a smart ass."
Caterpillar: "Yeah, Sister is a bleep-ass."
KoH: "You bleeped the wrong word, numbskull."
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"Sure." *reads entire thing aloud*
"You like it?"
"Yes."
"Is it good?"
"It's actually really good."
"Thanks. I'm pretty good when it comes to connecting heartfelt emotion and science."
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It's the sixth day of Spring and it's snowing. No one's very happy about it, but look how pretty:
Of course, the fact that school didn't manage to get closed today might have something to do with my outlook.
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So how was your St. Patrick's Day?
Because my croci (it's correct; I looked it up) have seen better days.
Because my croci (it's correct; I looked it up) have seen better days.
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Last year we were invited to St. Patrick's Day dinner at the house of an acquaintance at church. They promised corned beef and cabbage and even though I didn't know these people well, I agreed because they were Irish and CORNED BEEF.
I don't know if I've appropriately conveyed the concept of just how much of a hermit I am here on this blog, but I didn't really want to go because of how much of a hermit I am. There. The KingofHearts has tried over the years to get me to be a social kind of person and honestly, it's a lost cause.
KoH: "They invited us for dinner."
Me: "Why? We have food here."
KoH: "Because it's a social kind of thing to do and because they maybe think of us as friends or want to get to know us better and they seem like nice people so maybe we should go and make a new friend."
Me: "I don't need another friend. I have two!"
KoH: "Sorry, we're going. Did I mention they're serving corned beef?"
So The KingofHearts went to get to know our possibly-new-friends better and I went to eat corned beef. Only when we got there, we realized we'd been duped because they'd just gone and invited everyone on the husband's I gotta visit these people list at church. So we were not possibly new friends, but rather, check their names off the list for the month acquaintances. We walked in the door and saw about four other families there and all their screaming kids and then I spied a woman who really annoys the both of us because she's kind of dumb and thinks the world revolves around her and I looked over my shoulder at The KoH and he just gave me a wild-eyed look, to which I said back, "Uhmmm hmmmm."
So then we were stuck there but he reminded me CORNED BEEF and also I couldn't think of a good excuse to turn around and leave two minutes after walking through the door.
We sat down to dinner and Annoying Lady sat right next to me and started yammering on about one thing or another until the hosts brought out this amazing platter of corned beef and cabbage and started dishing it out and she took one bite and asked, "Where's the corn?"
We all looked around. The host said, "Oh, didn't I bring your dish out?" assuming she was talking about the side dish we were all asked to contribute to the meal.
"No, I mean, where's the corn?"
The host didn't realize what she meant. But I did.
Host: "I don't think anyone brought any corn."
"No, in the beef."
Host:: "What?"
"Isn't this corned beef?"
Host: "Yes."
"So where's the corn?"
Host suddenly realizing what I already knew: "Ooooh. No, there's no corn in the corned beef."
"Oh, do you not like corn?"
Host: "No, that's not what corned beef is. It doesn't have corn in it, you brine the meat."
"YOU PUT SHRIMP IN IT?!?"
And that's when I won Saint Patrick's Day because I. Did. Not. Say. Anything.
Medal please.
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This is how we all left the dentist's office last week. In unrelated news, people seem to be staring at me and my family a lot lately.
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A series of loving, yet helpful and communicative text messages between me and my husband. Now imagine the stuff that I didn't deem fit to republish on the Interweb.
Are you home?
Who dis?
I'll take that as a yes.
There is a chair out with trash on the side of the road on the way to the church building and I really want it. Tell me why I shouldn't do that again?
Bedbugs, fleas, tuberculosis?
But it's cool.
They cancelled my rehearsal and now I have to have a dress rehearsal tomorrow afternoon right before the concert. Can you take the Caterpillar to her tea party birthday party?
Ugly.*
*note: this may or may not have been in reference to the cancelling of the rehearsal and not having to go to a tea party birthday party, but I find it funny, nonetheless.
Did that lady just say postpartum depression can be cured by faith? Good to know.
Well, that explains why I needed drugs. No faith.
How do you sneak a day honoring several slave owners into Black History month?
??
Call it Presidents' Day.
You know they also created a country....
I saved my friend almost $200 on an auto repair. That's right. My advice is worth $200.
Summer tuition is due. What can you say that's worth $6000?
I think that video you asked me to check has music from The Hobbit.
The hobbit sings about coming unto Christ?
The video downloaded and played fine. All the bad children become good and they sing like angels. If you play it backward, they all become addicts and porn freaks.
Can you bring a pair of shoes to The Caterpillar before 10:30?
At school? What does she need?
Apparently, she decided to wear flip flops with socks to school on a twenty degree day when there's snow all over the ground. Teacher called and she needs real shoes. Can we just ignore the call and pretend we don't know her?
That guy from the wood shop called while you were out. He said you were looking for pecky Cyprus wood for your night stand.
I said knife handle, but ok.
Guess you weren't clear in your message.
Can you turn on the front spigot before you leave the house?
Outside?
Yes. I shut them off for winter but the car guy is coming and needs access to a hose.
OK. But you should probably turn it back off when you're done. Supposed to be another polar vortex this week.
Yeah, but barely freezing sounds more like pussy vortex to me.
The alcohol you poured all over my windshield might not have melted the ice but it sure cleaned my window.
Need anything from Michaels?
Maybe, I'm parked right next to you.
Your appointment is here.
I forgot about him. I'm in a meeting.
He won't leave. He wants to wait for you. The Caterpillar is now making him help her with her homework.
Are you home?
Yeah.
The all-seeing eye knows.
Boys II Men will be at the Fillmore in August.
Can we get sit-down tickets?
Oh, it's all standing room - even the balcony for this one. I think I can listen to them on my iPod for free and sit.
Window cleaners outside my office window. Tell me why I shouldn't flash them again?
Because we want them to clean all the windows. They'll never get done if they just hang out at yours all day.
Are you home?
Who dis?
I'll take that as a yes.
There is a chair out with trash on the side of the road on the way to the church building and I really want it. Tell me why I shouldn't do that again?
Bedbugs, fleas, tuberculosis?
But it's cool.
They cancelled my rehearsal and now I have to have a dress rehearsal tomorrow afternoon right before the concert. Can you take the Caterpillar to her tea party birthday party?
Ugly.*
*note: this may or may not have been in reference to the cancelling of the rehearsal and not having to go to a tea party birthday party, but I find it funny, nonetheless.
Did that lady just say postpartum depression can be cured by faith? Good to know.
Well, that explains why I needed drugs. No faith.
How do you sneak a day honoring several slave owners into Black History month?
??
Call it Presidents' Day.
You know they also created a country....
I saved my friend almost $200 on an auto repair. That's right. My advice is worth $200.
Summer tuition is due. What can you say that's worth $6000?
I think that video you asked me to check has music from The Hobbit.
The hobbit sings about coming unto Christ?
The video downloaded and played fine. All the bad children become good and they sing like angels. If you play it backward, they all become addicts and porn freaks.
Can you bring a pair of shoes to The Caterpillar before 10:30?
At school? What does she need?
Apparently, she decided to wear flip flops with socks to school on a twenty degree day when there's snow all over the ground. Teacher called and she needs real shoes. Can we just ignore the call and pretend we don't know her?
That guy from the wood shop called while you were out. He said you were looking for pecky Cyprus wood for your night stand.
I said knife handle, but ok.
Guess you weren't clear in your message.
Can you turn on the front spigot before you leave the house?
Outside?
Yes. I shut them off for winter but the car guy is coming and needs access to a hose.
OK. But you should probably turn it back off when you're done. Supposed to be another polar vortex this week.
Yeah, but barely freezing sounds more like pussy vortex to me.
The alcohol you poured all over my windshield might not have melted the ice but it sure cleaned my window.
Need anything from Michaels?
Maybe, I'm parked right next to you.
Your appointment is here.
I forgot about him. I'm in a meeting.
He won't leave. He wants to wait for you. The Caterpillar is now making him help her with her homework.
Are you home?
Yeah.
The all-seeing eye knows.
Boys II Men will be at the Fillmore in August.
Can we get sit-down tickets?
Oh, it's all standing room - even the balcony for this one. I think I can listen to them on my iPod for free and sit.
Window cleaners outside my office window. Tell me why I shouldn't flash them again?
Because we want them to clean all the windows. They'll never get done if they just hang out at yours all day.
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Huddled Together Trying to Figure Out What to Call Ourselves
Posted on
3/11/2014 12:23:00 PM
- by NG
Long time no write, eh? Chalk it up to a combination of stress, too much to do, not enough to talk about that's fit for public consumption and the voice in my head being uncharacteristically quiet lately. I'm trying to remedy all those issues, but it's a process.
Here are a few birds that huddled together under my eaves during our most recent snowstorm.
When we moved to this neighborhood, our neighbor told us these birds were called grackles (rhymes with crackles). Both of us Westerners were familiar with the word, if not the bird, and knew it pronounced as greckles (like freckles). Stuff like that is inherent in our neighbor's speech and despite living in metro D.C. for more than sixty years, he still mispronounces the word Wheaton which, for you non-Washingtonians out there, is a rather large city in Maryland quite near us which figures prominently in daily traffic reports so it's not like you don't hear the correct pronunciation now and again. He steadfastly says Whiton no matter how many times the other person in the conversation corrects him.
"Don't you mean Wheaton?"
"Oh yeah, that's it. So I was over in Whiton the other day..."
We assumed grackle was just another loveable quality of our friend's speech that continues to endear him to us, like how he pronounces ambulance like ambahlance with especially hard emphasis on that last a, which is doubly funny because he used to drive the ambahlance for thirty years..
This week I was speaking with a co-worker who referred to the grackles in her yard and I said, "You must be from D.C. too because that's exactly how my neighbor says it."
"No," she said, "That's... how you say it."
"It's not greckle? That's how I've always heard it."
"No, dear, it's grackle."
"Well, what's a greckle then?"
"I don't know but it's not a bird."
Confused, I consulted my favorite Ornithology expert, Dr. Google, and with a quick search found out that it's I who have been pronouncing the word wrong all these years and it is, in fact, grackle. Boy, do I feel stupid.
Except that when I did the Google search and looked at pictures of the grackles, they in no way resembled the birds our neighbor was always pointing out and calling grackles.
As I was explaining this to my co-worker, I said, "Wait, that's not the bird we've always known as a grackle, those birds have speckled wings."
"Uh, no, those birds are starlings."
"Huh, my neighbor always calls those grackles."
Which is the worst pronunciation of starling I've ever heard in my life.
Here are a few birds that huddled together under my eaves during our most recent snowstorm.
When we moved to this neighborhood, our neighbor told us these birds were called grackles (rhymes with crackles). Both of us Westerners were familiar with the word, if not the bird, and knew it pronounced as greckles (like freckles). Stuff like that is inherent in our neighbor's speech and despite living in metro D.C. for more than sixty years, he still mispronounces the word Wheaton which, for you non-Washingtonians out there, is a rather large city in Maryland quite near us which figures prominently in daily traffic reports so it's not like you don't hear the correct pronunciation now and again. He steadfastly says Whiton no matter how many times the other person in the conversation corrects him.
"Don't you mean Wheaton?"
"Oh yeah, that's it. So I was over in Whiton the other day..."
We assumed grackle was just another loveable quality of our friend's speech that continues to endear him to us, like how he pronounces ambulance like ambahlance with especially hard emphasis on that last a, which is doubly funny because he used to drive the ambahlance for thirty years..
This week I was speaking with a co-worker who referred to the grackles in her yard and I said, "You must be from D.C. too because that's exactly how my neighbor says it."
"No," she said, "That's... how you say it."
"It's not greckle? That's how I've always heard it."
"No, dear, it's grackle."
"Well, what's a greckle then?"
"I don't know but it's not a bird."
Confused, I consulted my favorite Ornithology expert, Dr. Google, and with a quick search found out that it's I who have been pronouncing the word wrong all these years and it is, in fact, grackle. Boy, do I feel stupid.
Except that when I did the Google search and looked at pictures of the grackles, they in no way resembled the birds our neighbor was always pointing out and calling grackles.
As I was explaining this to my co-worker, I said, "Wait, that's not the bird we've always known as a grackle, those birds have speckled wings."
"Uh, no, those birds are starlings."
"Huh, my neighbor always calls those grackles."
Which is the worst pronunciation of starling I've ever heard in my life.
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