A series of loving, yet helpful and communicative text messages between me and my husband. Now imagine the stuff that I didn't deem fit to republish on the Interweb.


Are you home?

Who dis?

I'll take that as a yes.



There is a chair out with trash on the side of the road on the way to the church building and I really want it.  Tell me why I shouldn't do that again?

Bedbugs, fleas, tuberculosis?

But it's cool.

They cancelled my rehearsal and now I have to have a dress rehearsal tomorrow afternoon right before the concert.  Can you take the Caterpillar to her tea party birthday party?

Ugly.*

*note: this may or may not have been in reference to the cancelling of the rehearsal and not having to go to a tea party birthday party, but I find it funny, nonetheless.


Did that lady just say postpartum depression can be cured by faith?  Good to know.

Well, that explains why I needed drugs. No faith.


How do you sneak a day honoring several slave owners into Black History month?

??

Call it Presidents' Day.

You know they also created a country....


I saved my friend almost $200 on an auto repair.  That's right. My advice is worth $200.

Summer tuition is due.  What can you say that's worth $6000?

I think that video you asked me to check has music from The Hobbit.

The hobbit sings about coming unto Christ?

The video downloaded and played fine.  All the bad children become good and they sing like angels. If you play it backward, they all become addicts and porn freaks.

Can you bring a pair of shoes to The Caterpillar before 10:30?

At school? What does she need?

Apparently, she decided to wear flip flops with socks to school on a twenty degree day when there's snow all over the ground.  Teacher called and she needs real shoes. Can we just ignore the call and pretend we don't know her?

That guy from the wood shop called while you were out.  He said you were looking for pecky Cyprus wood for your night stand.

I said knife handle, but ok.

Guess you weren't clear in your message.


Can you turn on the front spigot before you leave the house?

Outside?

Yes. I shut them off for winter but the car guy is coming and needs access to a hose.

OK. But you should probably turn it back off when you're done.  Supposed to be another polar vortex this week.

Yeah, but barely freezing sounds more like pussy vortex to me.



The alcohol you poured all over my windshield might not have melted the ice but it sure cleaned my window.

Need anything from Michaels?

Maybe, I'm parked right next to you.

Your appointment is here. 

I forgot about him.  I'm in a meeting.

He won't leave. He wants to wait for you. The Caterpillar is now making him help her with her homework.


Are you home?

Yeah.

The all-seeing eye knows.


Boys II Men will be at the Fillmore in August.

Can we get sit-down tickets?

Oh, it's all standing room - even the balcony for this one.  I think I can listen to them on my iPod for free and sit.



Window cleaners outside my office window.  Tell me why I shouldn't flash them again?

Because we want them to clean all the windows.  They'll never get done if they just hang out at yours all day.